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Another Liebster!

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Hello everyone! I know I have been taking a break from blogging on this blog. I have been feeling/doing really well. That’s actually why I have been staying away. This blog is very difficult for me to work on most of the time. I know it is important and necessary to grow, but I just needed a break. To be fair, I have also been taking a break because I know some of the issues I need to start on are going to be very tough and I am avoiding them a little bit. Sorry about that.

However, apparently me staying away has worked out in my favor as I was nominated for a second Liebster Award by Disordered Self. Please take the time to read her blog. Being nominated pretty much saved me from having to write anything too serious. So thank you! I really do appreciate it. I still can’t believe I actually have readers sometimes.

So, here are her questions and my answers:

1. What did you want to be when you grew up?

I wanted to be a writer. Alone on an island with a dog. I didn’t really expect to grow up so thinking about the future was never my strong suit. I’d still like all that. Maybe a relationship too, though.

2. What non-family member had the biggest impact on your life and why?

I don’t know if I have to use someone I actually know… There were many many amazing writers that made me realize I wanted to do what they did. I wanted to affect someone’s life the way they affected mine.

But maybe as far as someone I actually know. This is very hard for me as I want to use a positive factor. I had a boss at my job a few years ago. She really took me under her wing. She taught me about leadership and helped me see the direction I wanted my career to go. She gave me books to read and advice, even fashion advice (which I desperately need!) She made me stop drifting from position to position and really think about what I wanted for myself. And she made me believe I could attain it. She was amazing and beautiful and I appreciate her so much.

3. Do you believe there is life after death?

Wow, these are some tough questions! I don’t know. I have written about it before. I don’t believe in Heaven/Hell. I do believe our energy goes somewhere. I actually like not knowing. I wrote in this post that I feel like it is the final and ultimate adventure. I’m in no rush to know, but I am interested in finding out. I am also a bit obsessed with the occult, and there are all sorts of interesting theories there.

4. What is your creative outlet?

I have many. But I find writing to be the most rewarding. And I do a lot of writing.

5. Do you still watch cartoons?

Hell yes! Many of my favorite shows are cartoons. I’ll never be too old for cartoons.

6. What was your first pet?

A cat. I prefer dogs, but I have never thought it was fair to keep one in an apartment. Especially with how busy I always am. Someday, when I have my island, though…

7. If you could learn a new language; which would you choose and why?

I am already decent at Spanish and I know lots of curse words in French and German. I really want to be fluent in sign language. I actually think everyone should learn it and it could be an international language.

8. Do you have a sport?

I used to be an avid runner before I got sick. I’m thinking of taking it up again. I also used to box, but I don’t want hit people anymore. I do yoga and lift weights now (I am not sure if any of these count).

9. If you could change one thing about your past, what would it be?

I would probably change almost everything about my past. I try to not regret it, because it has made me who I am. But there are many many things I wish had been different.

10. If you had one day to do things for yourself and money was no object, how would you spend it?

24 hours? I would love to go to Europe. But more realistically, I would spend 24 hours online buying everything! Especially from Etsy. I could easily spend a million dollars on that site. I know I am boring.

11. What is your absolute favorite book?

This is actually too hard for me. I have so many. But I’ll say this. There are two books, relevant to my blog, that had a major impact on my life and I read them every year now.

Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft

The Gift of Fear By Gavin DeBecker

I believe they should be required reading for every woman. That’s how important they were to me.

Well, I hope all of you liked reading about me. If not, I’ll be posting again very soon. Time to knuckle down and face some hard stuff.

Liebster Award

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PTSD-from the inside out nominated me for the Liebster Award. Which I really appreciate. But I feel kind of weird about it because I really don’t feel I deserve it. And there are so many wonderful bloggers out there that do. But I also don’t want to seem unappreciative, so here we go.

1. Who do you write for?
I write for me. I have always been a writer. I began a journal from a very young age and only quit during bouts of serious depression or when I was in abusive relationships. My blog has actually, until very recently, been entirely made up of journal entries from the past year beginning when I started therapy last January.

2. What type of blogs do you like?
I like all kinds of blogs. I think my favorites are blogs about people with similar issues to myself. It makes me feel less alone to see other people feeling and thinking the things I do. I am also a big fan of funny blogs and am lucky enough to read some hilarious blogs.

3. What do you wish the world understood about PTSD?
That I am not choosing to be this way. I hate it! I can’t just “get over it” or “snap out of it.” If I could choose to stop suffering, I would. We all would.

4. What would you say is the biggest passion in your life?
Reading. I would rather read than eat. Books have made me who I am. If someone wanted to truly know me, all they would need to do is read what I have read. But it might take a really long time to get there.

5. What are you most proud of?
The progress I have made in the past year in therapy. It is so obvious to people that are close to me, and myself. It makes me feel like there will be an end to all this someday.

6. What activity makes you feel the most like yourself?
I guess anything I do when I am not at work. My job is not who I am. My pastimes and passions are.

7. If you could have a dinner party with 10 famous figures dead or alive, who would they be?
Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King, Abraham Lincoln, Gandhi, Albert Einstein, Issac Asmiov, Ray Bradbury, Douglas Adams, Stephen King, and John Snow. I don’t know what we would talk about but it would be very interesting.

8. If you could choose a different profession for this life what would it be?
My life isn’t over yet, so I can still choose a different profession. I think being a therapist would be amazing. I would love to help others and see them progress the way I have.

9. Describe your personality in 3 words:
Smart, creative, kind.

10. Name a person who has made a significant impact on your life.
You didn’t specify for good or bad. Many people have made a significant impact on my life. My most recent ex is the person that inspired me to go to therapy. He resisted me going every step of the way, but I knew I had to go if I was ever going to stop the cycle of dating abusive men. And I think he knew I would leave him if I started getting better (which I did). And therapy has made a bigger impact on my life than anything else.

I know there are more things I am supposed to do here with this award. But it is honestly causing me a lot of anxiety. I hope nobody minds if I just leave it at this. Thank you for reading.

Purpose

I have never felt there was any reason for anything that has ever happened to me. I can barely register cause and effect sometimes in the abstract, let alone some purpose for my life.

I don’t think I got sick for a reason any more than I think there was one in me getting better and not dying. I don’t think I was “saved” by anything more than medicine and technology. And not for any reason other than that I was lucky enough to afford it and living in a time that offered it.

I am starting to be able to see the beginnings of all the threads that have led me to where I am now. I can see all the good things that have come out of all those bad things. I can even see more threads in front of me, leading down the path I want to go.

But I don’t feel any sense of meaning in any of that. Sometimes people tell me that I am alive for a reason. That god had a plan. And all I can think is that it would be nice to believe that.

But I just don’t. I can’t. I’m no more deserving of life than someone else is deserving of death. Because that is what these people are saying to me. That when my friend SL died of a heart attack, he wasn’t as deserving of life as I am. That I am somehow more important than a husband and father of two.

I guess I have just experienced so much in my life that seems so arbitrary.

I think we have to create our own meaning in life. It’s up to each of us to decide why we’re here and if there is a greater purpose. For some it’s religion. For others, it’s their family.

Some people never seem to figure out what they need to be their purpose in life. And those are the people that seem kind of sad and lost.

I don’t really know what my greater purpose is. Right now I am focusing on getting better. And that’s a big enough project for me for right now. It’s enough to occupy my time and energy. But I know it’s something I’m going to have to figure out someday, though.

I’m starting to think it might be writing. I have been journaling for the past 20 years. It has helped me through some hard times. I write a lot. Almost every day. And I don’t stop at journaling. I also write fiction, which is surprisingly helpful when you are trying to figure things out.

But it is so different to put all these thoughts and feelings out into the world. Even if I only had one reader, I think it would still have helped me. Maybe even if I had none.

I feel that every post I write is a weight lifted off my shoulders. I used to imagine my baggage as the weight of the world, something I carried wherever I went. Like Atlas. And now I feel I am unburdening myself with these words. It’s almost like all this stuff is evaporating into the atmosphere.