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A Change is Gonna Come

It’s weirdly liberating and disappointing to find out I’m just like everyone else. I thought all my problems were some quirky, interesting character attribute. But, in reality they are a product of my abuse. I thought I was different.

 

I didn’t think there was a reason I kept dating abusive men. I thought I was just dating whoever asked. But, even if that were true, why were these abusers attracted to me?

 

Maybe they could somehow see that I was underwater too. Did they recognize it in me? I don’t know. But I do know that I am getting dry. I know because people are interacting differently with me. I am having conversations and experiences that are so surprising and positive.

 

I’m seeing people that aren’t underwater. I’m creating positive neural pathways with these experiences. I’m recognizing the attributes I want in a future partner. These are all good things.

 

Also:

 

I AM A POTENTIALLY NORMAL PERSON!!

 

Meaning, I have hope of being happy and well-adjusted if there is nothing inherently wrong with me.  I am capable of having successful, positive relationships. Just knowing that I am not a broken toy feels awesome. I might be slightly used and damaged from my past. But I am still capable of working perfectly. That’s good.

 

I am going to continue to get better. I am going to continue to do better. I am going to continue to have positive, healthy experiences with people, men in particular. They are going to respond with positivity and acceptance more and more until some wonderful thing happens:


I start trusting and connecting with people.

Trusting myself

I want to talk about trust. Both in myself and with others. I know it is a big issue for me. And I know it always will be.

I feel like I can’t trust myself. Like, I don’t trust my body to crave the healthy things it needs. And I don’t trust myself to give me the healthy things I need. And in way, I shouldn’t.

I have made such poor choices in the past. But I am trying so hard to do better. And I need to give myself a chance to fuck up or I’ll never trust myself.

I am trying so hard to forgive everyone else in my life. I should be trying to forgive myself.

And it’s the same thing with other people. If they never have the opportunity to hurt me then I’ll never be able to trust them to not hurt me. I know I have been hurt a lot.

But eventually I’ll have to trust myself to choose a decent person. And I’ll have to trust that person to not try to hurt me. If they do hurt me, I’ll have to believe that it was unintentional and not because they were a bad person.

And I’ll have to forgive them. For real. Because nobody is going to be perfect. They are going to hurt me.

Forgiving people, including myself, is so hard for me. I’m sure it isn’t easy for other people. Or is it? I don’t know.

It’s so hard to believe someone has good intentions. It’s so hard to not equate someone’s bad behavior with the bad behavior of an abusive ex. Just because someone does something that reminds me of an ex; it doesn’t mean they are abusive too.

I have to remind myself of that every day. I just hope I don’t have to do it every day forever.

Touch

Despite all my complaining. I still know I am not ready to meet someone on my own. This guy today was hot and interested and I wouldn’t even look in his direction. Because I am not ready to test myself. I’m not ready to choose someone. I am not ready to see if I am better.

For all my big talk, I am still not ready to trust myself. It’s like a Catch-22. I can’t trust myself to make good choices because I haven’t in the past. But I can’t prove that I’ve changed because I’m afraid I’ll keep making the same dumb mistakes.

If I don’t check, I won’t know where I stand or if I am better. I’m letting myself get paralyzed by the fear of making another mistake. I have to keep reminding myself that not making a choice is still a choice. But it’s also living my life by default. Things may be happening, but I am not really living or participating in my own life.

And I wanted to bring up the idea of waiting too long. I feel like I always have such good self control, that I don’t properly care for my needs. I wind up neglecting myself for so long that I latch on to someone that is nearby and isn’t actually worthy.

I’m so ashamed of needing someone, of needing sex. That I let it go and let it go and then it all comes pouring out inappropriately. And that poor person can’t always handle it.

I’m trying to take care of things myself. But I can’t give myself physical intimacy. It just builds up inside me and every little touch just twists the screw tighter. Until I become this tightly wound bundle of energy with no outlet and then I find some horrible guy and have horrible sex.

And I don’t even know why I waste my time because it only barely relieves the tension. Because I am not craving sex, I am craving intimacy. And I’ve only recently learned the difference between the two.

I didn’t and I still don’t know how to get physical intimacy. But I know I have to stop settling for sex. I need to start figuring out which one I need, being able to tell the difference, and making sure I am always getting the correct one.

That also may be part of the reason why touch is such an issue. I only let people touch me for sexual reasons and it turns every kind of touch into a sexual thing. Especially with men. Though I also think the sexual abuses made touch sexual. And I think my parents not touching me growing up turned touch into a ‘thing’ with me.

If I am only ever getting hit or molested, then touch is bad. But I also crave touch, because all humans do. I think I can only get it via sex. Which makes platonic touching even more awkward. Then I want people to touch me even less than I already do because it causes inappropriate thoughts about the wrong people.

So, touching has become a source of abuse, awkwardness, bad feelings and confusion. No wonder I don’t like people touching me.

But I also feel like I am getting to the intimacy breaking point. I need physical affection so badly it hurts in the pit of my stomach. I don’t know what to do about it.

Trust Issues

I know that some of my anxieties and fears stem from the fact that I am still not sure I can protect myself. Not whether or not I am capable of it. But whether I will, when I need to. I still don’t trust myself to care for my own needs.

I have failed on this front so many times that I can no longer make myself feel safe. I worry on a regular basis that I haven’t changed. I worry that I won’t do what I need to do. I worry that I won’t listen to myself or stand up for myself.

Even though I know I have been doing much better lately, I’m still not convinced. I still haven’t proven myself. I still don’t know if I’ll make the right choices.

I can’t go back in time and fix my mistakes. I can’t go back and protect myself from all the things that happened. I can’t make it all better for the person I was back then.

But I can help heal the person I am now. I can prove myself every day. I can make the right choices and do the smart thing and protect myself now. I can learn to make myself better.