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Tag Archives: sexual abuse

Past Lives

Today, someone asked me what I was like as a child. I had to think about it for a long time before answering. But it really depends on what age we’re discussing.

I did nothing but cry for the first 6 or 7 years. I was unhappy and morose. And suffering from PTSD from many physical, emotional and sexual abuses. Eventually my family punished me for crying enough that I stopped.

I spent the next few years like a wild animal backed into a corner. I had zero control over my emotions. I was angrier than I have ever felt in my entire life. My anger was like a separate being trying to violently claw it’s way out of me. This is when I began punching trees. A lot.

Finally, around 10, I completely shut down all my emotions. I began working out compulsively, reading obsessively. I had an eating disorder and began journaling. I was extremely secretive.

I had severe insomnia and depression. Some weeks I would sleep less than 5 hours the entire week. My life was kind of a fog of blankness. That is really the best way to describe it. It was like being on drugs that took away everything it was possible to feel. But I wasn’t on drugs.

All I ever felt was sadness, despair and anger. And the safest place to direct that anger was on myself. It led to getting into and staying in many abusive relationships; platonic, romantic, and familial. It also was the partial driver for some of the emotional/mental issues I have.

And that’s basically where I stayed until my health problems at 25. Like I was frozen in place. Frozen emotionally. And I was. I only allowed myself to feel the barest tip of what was wrong. Only the strongest, most persistent emotions came through.

It has taken a few years to even realize that things were wrong inside me. And it took a few years to get help. I have been in therapy for just over a year.

I am amazed when I look back on the changes I’ve been through this past year. It actually impresses me. People that have known me very well can hardly believe I am the same person. Neither can I.

I can’t believe the life I was accepting for myself all that time. I can’t believe those past people, those horrible past lives, were all me. I look back on how much I’ve changed this year. And I wonder how unrecognizable I’ll be to myself by this time next year.

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Abuses

Sometimes I think I would actually be okay with just being physically abused.

After reading that book about verbal abuse it would seem I have never NOT been in a verbally abusive relationship. Not with anyone I dated for more than a few dates.

I feel like verbal abuse never goes away. I never minded being hit. The physical pain and bruises heal like they never happened. But my emotional wounds still haunt me.

Sometimes I wonder if I would have stayed with those men if they had only been physically abusive without the controlling, manipulative, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and verbal abuse that goes along with it. I think I would have.

It makes me wonder if I’ll ever meet someone that isn’t abusive. And if I do, will he even want to be with me? Will he believe me about my past, my childhood, my life? Will he think less of me, or hold it against me? Will he use it against me the way my ex’s did when I told them anything about anything?

I’m so afraid to open up to people for fear of not being believed.

And this thing with RA is really bothering me. I feel awful for lashing out at him. He didn’t know he was pressing my buttons. It isn’t his fault I’ve never been with someone that I could make reasonable requests to.

I am so used to having my requests ignored. I have to stop assuming that I have to overreact to get myself heard. I have to stop thinking everyone won’t respect me. I have to start learning conflict resolution skills, now.Nobody knows what is going on in my head but me. And they don’t know what my boundaries are if I don’t tell them.

Touch

Despite all my complaining. I still know I am not ready to meet someone on my own. This guy today was hot and interested and I wouldn’t even look in his direction. Because I am not ready to test myself. I’m not ready to choose someone. I am not ready to see if I am better.

For all my big talk, I am still not ready to trust myself. It’s like a Catch-22. I can’t trust myself to make good choices because I haven’t in the past. But I can’t prove that I’ve changed because I’m afraid I’ll keep making the same dumb mistakes.

If I don’t check, I won’t know where I stand or if I am better. I’m letting myself get paralyzed by the fear of making another mistake. I have to keep reminding myself that not making a choice is still a choice. But it’s also living my life by default. Things may be happening, but I am not really living or participating in my own life.

And I wanted to bring up the idea of waiting too long. I feel like I always have such good self control, that I don’t properly care for my needs. I wind up neglecting myself for so long that I latch on to someone that is nearby and isn’t actually worthy.

I’m so ashamed of needing someone, of needing sex. That I let it go and let it go and then it all comes pouring out inappropriately. And that poor person can’t always handle it.

I’m trying to take care of things myself. But I can’t give myself physical intimacy. It just builds up inside me and every little touch just twists the screw tighter. Until I become this tightly wound bundle of energy with no outlet and then I find some horrible guy and have horrible sex.

And I don’t even know why I waste my time because it only barely relieves the tension. Because I am not craving sex, I am craving intimacy. And I’ve only recently learned the difference between the two.

I didn’t and I still don’t know how to get physical intimacy. But I know I have to stop settling for sex. I need to start figuring out which one I need, being able to tell the difference, and making sure I am always getting the correct one.

That also may be part of the reason why touch is such an issue. I only let people touch me for sexual reasons and it turns every kind of touch into a sexual thing. Especially with men. Though I also think the sexual abuses made touch sexual. And I think my parents not touching me growing up turned touch into a ‘thing’ with me.

If I am only ever getting hit or molested, then touch is bad. But I also crave touch, because all humans do. I think I can only get it via sex. Which makes platonic touching even more awkward. Then I want people to touch me even less than I already do because it causes inappropriate thoughts about the wrong people.

So, touching has become a source of abuse, awkwardness, bad feelings and confusion. No wonder I don’t like people touching me.

But I also feel like I am getting to the intimacy breaking point. I need physical affection so badly it hurts in the pit of my stomach. I don’t know what to do about it.

Still afraid of the dark…

My therapist seems to think that my fear of monsters and of the dark is actually a metaphor for something else. She says my fear of monsters is actually a sense of dread of a non-specific event.

There are real life monsters. There are people that do bad things. I have had a lot of monsters in my life. There is nothing wrong with being afraid of bad people. Even the ones from my past that are no longer in my life. And it is natural to fear encountering monsters in my future. especially since some of the monsters from my past are still in my life. And it is pretty natural to worry that a past full of monsters will mean a future full of them too.

She also thinks that my fear of the dark is based on negative experiences that happened in the dark. Both in the literal dark and the figurative dark. Bad things do tend to happen in the dark. It makes you feel alone and invisible, no matter where you are or what time of day. Sometimes the most isolating experiences are when you are surrounded by others.

Most violence occurs at night. Most abuse occurs at night. Most sexual abuse, especially as a child, occurs at night. The dark is a good cover. It offers protection for monsters. And it is scary for people who have previously suffered alone and in the dark. Not being able to see someone. Being vulnerable alone, at night while asleep.

These are actually fully logical fears.