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Anxiety

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I don’t know why I am suddenly feeling so anxious all the time. I never had anxiety issues before. Or maybe I did but didn’t realize it because of all my other issues.

I know it is mostly the PTSD, but lately I have been having mini panic attacks. It feels so stupid to be feeling this way. I am actually ashamed of myself for not being able to handle things.

I look back on all I have been through and I think: I went through all that and now I am afraid to answer my door? Or go grocery shopping at night? Or talk to another human being?

It feels idiotic and paranoid and silly. So silly.

I know I am just being hard on myself. The truth is, I’ve always felt this way. It’s just that now I have resolved so many issues, this is one of the last few left. It seems to stand out.

I am embarrassed to mention it to my therapist. I am afraid she thinks I am making all this up. I am afraid she will think I am just trying to get medication. I am afraid that she thinks I am self diagnosing myself. I don’t want medication. I just want to stop feeling so anxious.

It has been so bad a few times that I can’t sleep all night. Every noise has me jumping. Exaggerated response and all that. I have been sleeping with my baseball bat again.

I’m not sure where it is coming from. Except, that is a lie. I do know.

One year ago this month I was battling my ex in court. Getting a restraining order. It was difficult and scary. The things he said and did…

And I have recently ended a casual relationship with a man. I am worried he will take it poorly. I am worried he will retaliate. I am worried that every relationship I end from now on will be a trigger. I am worried I will never truly know someone or truly trust ever again.

I am so tired of having so many problems. Some days I just want to wallow in self pity and wonder why it all happened to me. But that is pretty useless. It doesn’t help me. And it never makes me feel better.

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Medication

I hate taking medicine. No matter how sick I am, how dire my health problems. I want to avoid medications as much as I can.

But, in the end, I take it. I have been on so many prescriptions for all my physical problems. Most notably in my heart medications. I was hesitant but not resistant.

And yet, I refuse to take anything for my mental/emotional issues. I know there are legitimate illnesses that can be mitigated with medicine.

I even know people that are on medication for their mental health issues. I feel zero judgement towards them. I am proud of them for seeking and getting the help that they need.

So why am I so unwilling to do the same for myself? Do I think the drugs will make it all real? Because it’s already as real as it can be.

I deal with it all on a daily basis. Do I think I am somehow superior or “winning” something if I deal with it all without pharmaceutical help? Do I just try to downplay my issues to avoid medication?

Or maybe this is just another symptom of me not taking care of myself the way I should. Maybe I am punishing myself or trying to test myself. Maybe I am just trying to prove myself.

I genuinely don’t know. Do other people not recognize their own motives? Or is this a ‘me’ thing?