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Ex Memories

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I know I have been away for a while. I have been writing a lot. Just not for this blog. I am beginning to feel like this blog is going to be less and less a part of my life. Which is good. So much of what I talked about on here was negative. Now that I am doing better, I feel I am needing it less and less.

But I did want to write about something today. I started thinking yesterday about all the men I have dated. And how important they used to be in my life. And how I don’t even talk to any of them anymore (for good reason).

I knew them very well once. Better than most people did, I think. I knew their preferences.

I remember the way this one liked his coffee. I remember a favorite song. I remember childhood stories. And childhood enemies.

You see, they aren’t just in my mind as the memories I have of them. They aren’t just the time we watched fireworks in the rain. Or once when the car broke down during rush hour traffic and we were so hungry!

They are memories of their memories too.

I wonder if I will always be carrying those memories with me. I don’t mind remembering them. I just want to stop remembering their personal tastes, their memories, their life experiences.

I want to make room in my head for other things that have more relevance in my life now. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to remember.

But I also don’t know how to stop.

And I feel like all those memories I have of them, that seemed so important at one time, are completely insignificant in my life now. Was it all a waste of time?

I don’t know the answer to any of that. I know I will eventually meet someone new. And I will start a new catalogue in my brain for them. It will have folders with their food preferences, music taste, the way they hold a fork, the way they walk.

And eventually, when it ends, I’ll be haunted by those same things for a while. Until I can think of them without pain. Or regret. Which is usually what I feel when I think of exes. Not regret that it’s over, regret that I ever gave them a chance to begin with.

And when I eventually start forgetting someone, where do those memories go? Does my brain clear them out to make room for new? Or do they fade into the background of all those memories that are more important, more relevant to who I am now?

I really don’t know. In a way, I wish I could get rid of all those memories. But in another way, it is nice to look back and remember that not everything with those bad men was bad. We laughed and had fun sometimes too.

No matter how bad someone was, there was always some good in them too.


Hot Air Ballooning

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I had the weirdest dream a few weeks ago. And then again last week. I don’t normally tell people about my dreams because I feel that it must be excruciatingly boring. But this one was so relevant to what I am going through. I apologize in advance for it.

I was thinking about letting things go right before falling asleep. My dreams do not normally work so fast. And they are generally way too subconscious and symbolic for me to make sense of.

But then I had this dream:

I was walking on the beach and I heard a weird noise behind me. I turned and there was a giant, clear hot air balloon. In the basket was all of my abusive ex boyfriends.

I looked into that basket and thought, “god, I would hate to be in that balloon. It’s like the worst place in the world.” But then I looked down and my footprints were leading away from the balloon. I had been in that balloon.

And I realized I had been carrying these guys around with me for a long time. I had been comparing other men to them. Looking for any sign of their behavior in someone else.

I had been assigning meanings and motives to people where there wasn’t any. I was still carrying my past around with me. And I was letting my past affect my life and who I am now.

Then in my dream the balloon took off. I watched as it floated up into the atmosphere. It didn’t take long for it to disappear from my sight between the bright sunshine and the clear balloon.

And I realized that I have to stop carrying them. I have to let them go.

So then I had the same dream again but this time I was even farther away from the balloon. And one of my exes, A, was like “If she’s getting out then I am getting out.” He started to climb out. But one of my other exes grabbed his arm and said, “Dude, she’s gone. You’ll never be able to catch her.”

And then they all floated away as before.