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Coin Vortex

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Sometimes lately I think my depression is getting worse.But then I look back on my life and my past. And I know it isn’t.

The episodes are starting to happen more frequently. That may be because I am actually allowing myself to feel things now. But now, the depression feels different.

It feels like it is going on behind a pane of glass. I observe it happening, and in the observing I am affected. But in a way, I am not. I see what is going on. I name it. I recognize it.

I never did that before. I couldn’t see what I was feeling while I was feeling it. And naming it does take away it’s power for me. After so many years of feeling broken and defective. I’m glad I can recognize it and react to my thoughts.

I feel like my depression has become self aware. It knows it’s time is growing short. And that’s why it’s trying so hard. It’s in it’s death throes, grasping desperately to claim a hold over me again.

I’m starting to liken it to a penny in one of those coin vortex wishing wells. I love those things. And I love the noise they make. I’d have one in my house. But that is besides the point.

The coin starts out going relatively slowly. As it makes smaller and smaller circles it speeds up and gets louder and louder. Each revolution gets smaller and smaller until it drops down into the pit below.

Only in this scenario, the pit is being free from depression. Which is where I hope I am heading.

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Safety

I’m so tired of feeling unsafe. I know I have been feeling unsafe because I am unsafe. I’m tired of being unsafe. I’ve almost never been sexually safe. And I know I have never been emotionally safe. It’s exhausting. Trying to keep calm and sane. Trying to stay safe. Keeping constant vigilance.

I know I’ve been saying and doing a lot of positive things lately, especially about relationships. But right now, I don’t feel very positive. I’m terrified.

What if I can’t get it right? What if I keep fucking up? What if keep attracting and choosing the same type of man?

I don’t want to keep doing this. I want to change. I just don’t know how to enact real and lasting change. I like to think I’m headed in the right direction. I’m getting professional help. I’m reading books about abuse. I’m recognizing more and more the the emotional and sexual abuse I’ve been through. And the physical.

And the emotional and sexual abuse I am currently going through. I am recognizing how destructive those abuses are. I am recognizing that even if I don’t get too invested emotionally, it is still bad for my soul or whatever to experience those things.

This is potentially life damaging shit. And being a jerk or an ass is not on par with being an abuser. I am not winning if I am a bigger jerk. I’m still losing because it is destructive to be around abuse. Of any kind. I’m so afraid of being permanently damaged.

I’m afraid I won’t know how to behave in an abuse free house.I’m afraid I don’t know how to argue or fight. I don’t know how to assert myself with the appropriate force. I don’t know how to negotiate. I’m afraid I’ll never have a healthy relationship.

I’m afraid I won’t be able to recognize a non-abusive man. I’m afraid I don’t know how to act right. I’m afraid I’ll always overreact to things because I know it’s the only way to get my point of view acknowledged with an abuser.

I’m afraid I’ve learned bad habits that will take a long time to unlearn. I’m afraid I’ll never meet someone that thinks I’m worth the effort of helping me unlearn. I’m afraid I’m unlovable. I’m afraid I’ll only attract broken men because whole men won’t be attracted to a broken toy like me.

I’m afraid of losing my family. I’m afraid of paying too much attention to what they say, or of reading too much into it. I’m afraid I won’t be able to forgive them. I’m afraid that I’m a broken toy that can’t be fixed.

I’m afraid that, even if I can be fixed, I don’t have the tools to know how to fix myself. I’m afraid of pulling someone underwater with me and drowning them. What if I never meet someone that is interested in going for a swim.

I feel there are some issues that can never be resolved without a healthy romantic relationship. What if nobody wants to do all that work? What if I turn out to not be worth it? What if I am well and truly not worth it? Or, if I am worth it already, how do I make myself believe that I am?

I think I know some of the work that needs to be done, but I just don’t know how. Where are all the tools? Am I even capable of recognizing them? What if I am just fucked?

All these problems seem insurmountable. And yet. I still have hope. I can still envision what the future might look like. I can still see a healthy relationship. I can see me being happy. I actually am happy, right now. But I’m not satisfied.