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Another Liebster!

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Hello everyone! I know I have been taking a break from blogging on this blog. I have been feeling/doing really well. That’s actually why I have been staying away. This blog is very difficult for me to work on most of the time. I know it is important and necessary to grow, but I just needed a break. To be fair, I have also been taking a break because I know some of the issues I need to start on are going to be very tough and I am avoiding them a little bit. Sorry about that.

However, apparently me staying away has worked out in my favor as I was nominated for a second Liebster Award by Disordered Self. Please take the time to read her blog. Being nominated pretty much saved me from having to write anything too serious. So thank you! I really do appreciate it. I still can’t believe I actually have readers sometimes.

So, here are her questions and my answers:

1. What did you want to be when you grew up?

I wanted to be a writer. Alone on an island with a dog. I didn’t really expect to grow up so thinking about the future was never my strong suit. I’d still like all that. Maybe a relationship too, though.

2. What non-family member had the biggest impact on your life and why?

I don’t know if I have to use someone I actually know… There were many many amazing writers that made me realize I wanted to do what they did. I wanted to affect someone’s life the way they affected mine.

But maybe as far as someone I actually know. This is very hard for me as I want to use a positive factor. I had a boss at my job a few years ago. She really took me under her wing. She taught me about leadership and helped me see the direction I wanted my career to go. She gave me books to read and advice, even fashion advice (which I desperately need!) She made me stop drifting from position to position and really think about what I wanted for myself. And she made me believe I could attain it. She was amazing and beautiful and I appreciate her so much.

3. Do you believe there is life after death?

Wow, these are some tough questions! I don’t know. I have written about it before. I don’t believe in Heaven/Hell. I do believe our energy goes somewhere. I actually like not knowing. I wrote in this post that I feel like it is the final and ultimate adventure. I’m in no rush to know, but I am interested in finding out. I am also a bit obsessed with the occult, and there are all sorts of interesting theories there.

4. What is your creative outlet?

I have many. But I find writing to be the most rewarding. And I do a lot of writing.

5. Do you still watch cartoons?

Hell yes! Many of my favorite shows are cartoons. I’ll never be too old for cartoons.

6. What was your first pet?

A cat. I prefer dogs, but I have never thought it was fair to keep one in an apartment. Especially with how busy I always am. Someday, when I have my island, though…

7. If you could learn a new language; which would you choose and why?

I am already decent at Spanish and I know lots of curse words in French and German. I really want to be fluent in sign language. I actually think everyone should learn it and it could be an international language.

8. Do you have a sport?

I used to be an avid runner before I got sick. I’m thinking of taking it up again. I also used to box, but I don’t want hit people anymore. I do yoga and lift weights now (I am not sure if any of these count).

9. If you could change one thing about your past, what would it be?

I would probably change almost everything about my past. I try to not regret it, because it has made me who I am. But there are many many things I wish had been different.

10. If you had one day to do things for yourself and money was no object, how would you spend it?

24 hours? I would love to go to Europe. But more realistically, I would spend 24 hours online buying everything! Especially from Etsy. I could easily spend a million dollars on that site. I know I am boring.

11. What is your absolute favorite book?

This is actually too hard for me. I have so many. But I’ll say this. There are two books, relevant to my blog, that had a major impact on my life and I read them every year now.

Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft

The Gift of Fear By Gavin DeBecker

I believe they should be required reading for every woman. That’s how important they were to me.

Well, I hope all of you liked reading about me. If not, I’ll be posting again very soon. Time to knuckle down and face some hard stuff.

Chicken Fried Hunger

Holy shit! Something amazing happened today. I was reading this book about appetite, eating disorders, and desires. I was reading it while eating lunch at work today.

I was having a kind of crappy, stressful day (most days at my work are extremely stressful). I was talking to a co-worker about KFC. I don’t like KFC but it made me really want to eat some fried chicken.

So I went to Popeye’s and ordered my favorite thing there (hint: it’s a lot of food). Since I started eating more like a non-disordered person I tend to eat a lot in one sitting. An unhealthy lot.

I was sitting there, eating fried chicken. And I got to this part in the book about eating your emotions. Eating as a way to sublimate desires of all types. Or (in my case) not eating to sublimate desires of all types. And I realized that for the past year, since I started eating again, I have been doing exactly that.

I got a more stressful job and instead of responding to that in a healthy way, I ate. Then some relationship stuff went down and it ended badly, and I ate even more. And that’s definitely why I’ve gained close to 40 lbs this year.

So, I was sitting there with my fried chicken. And I realized not only did I not want how much food I ordered. I didn’t even want what I had ordered. It didn’t taste good. It didn’t make me feel better.

All it ever made me feel was full. But not in a good and satisfying way. In an unhealthy “I hate myself. Why did I eat so much?” way.

In a weird way I can see how that feeling of fullness is comforting. But it’s really only as comforting as that feeling of emptiness was when I wasn’t eating. Now that I am starting to recognize it for what it really is; it doesn’t offer much comfort.

The hunger and the fullness is the exact same feeling. I feel like my hunger was consuming me all the time. It was filling me up and seemed to take up the same amount of space inside my body and my mind as the fullness does now.

I feel like today, for the first time in more than 20 years, I was listening to my body’s hunger cues instead of mindlessly eating nothing or everything.

I actually almost cried.

It makes me wonder if a few books on eating disorders (in combination with my therapy and journaling) can help me so much. Maybe I should read a few books on some of my other issues. It can’t hurt.

I read so many books about so many things I can’t help but wonder why I never picked one up on any of my emotional issues. It feels like I was being willfully ignorant. But I wasn’t. It was all subconscious.

But I don’t want to pretend this stuff never happened anymore. I want to face it and work through it and fix it and move past it all.