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Depression

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I don’t know if anyone has noticed that I haven’t been around as much lately. I have been extremely depressed. I know everyone’s depression is different. We all experience it differently.

Mine has been so bad. And when I am in the middle of a depressive spell, I can’t tell anyone. I don’t even recognize it as depression. I think that I am just awful and miserable because my life is terrible and I have no friends. I think I just suddenly hate my job and myself. I think that everyone would be better off if I wasn’t around.

I have had a really bad two weeks. I keep thinking that this blog is pointless and that my life is pointless. And that I really shouldn’t even be alive anymore. I don’t want to kill myself, but if I could just stop breathing or stop living, I would.

I have been doing so well for so long, I almost forgot what it looked like to be in the middle of a depressive spell. And the forgetting, made it so bad. I couldn’t understand why I was so unhappy.

My life is actually going really well. Which made it even more confusing. Why was I thinking about killing myself when I had finally met someone I liked? Why was I wanting to call out sick and sit at home alone all day? Why wasn’t I writing?

And I haven’t been sleeping. Which makes me feel terrible physically too. I’ve been having horrible anxiety at night. I’ve been sitting awake in my bed with a baseball bat for hours instead of sleeping.

Last night, I kept jumping at every noise. I thought there was someone in my apartment (even though I logically knew there wasn’t). And this next part I feel ashamed to admit. But it’s the truth and this is all anonymous anyway.

I thought someone was whispering in my ear. A man’s voice was saying something. It was rhyming words over and over. They were nonsense sounds. Like ooh, boo, woo, too. That has never happened to me before. It really upset me and freaked me out. I also felt like something was crawling up my back. Like a hand sliding over me. But I was alone. That has also never happened before.

Maybe I was dreaming and just thought it was happening. Sometimes my dreams really like to mess with my mind. But if I wasn’t…

I don’t know what it means. It might sound funny or silly. But it really upset me. Am I having auditory hallucinations? I never have before. What does it means? I don’t know.

There is no need for anyone to worry at this point. The very fact that I can write about it is proof that I am feeling better. And I’ll be back to my cheerful self in no time.

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Versatile Blogger Award

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So, Avalanche of the Soul nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award. I would highly argue with this nomination. But I’ll take all the love I can get. So, thank you for that.

I guess I am supposed to tell 7 random facts about me. I don’t even know what to say here:

1. I have many many things wrong with me, but I am beginning to think they are all just a component of my PTSD. Which is exciting because it means I may actually be able to work through all of it.

2. I am obsessed with “fringe science.” Tarot cards, palmistry, crystal healing. I don’t even really believe in any of it. I just love it!

3. I have another blog that is actually pretty funny. I mean, I think it is, anyway.

4. I was married for 6 months.

5. The first time I tried Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Peppermint Crunch, I ate the entire pint in one sitting.

6. I am a huge nerd in every sense of the word.

7. I hate telling random facts about myself. I don’t want to share too much or too little.

And now I am supposed to nominate 7 people. But the pressure is so much! I love everyone I follow. Just read everyone that comments on anything I ever write. They are all amazing, lovely people.

Liebster Award

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PTSD-from the inside out nominated me for the Liebster Award. Which I really appreciate. But I feel kind of weird about it because I really don’t feel I deserve it. And there are so many wonderful bloggers out there that do. But I also don’t want to seem unappreciative, so here we go.

1. Who do you write for?
I write for me. I have always been a writer. I began a journal from a very young age and only quit during bouts of serious depression or when I was in abusive relationships. My blog has actually, until very recently, been entirely made up of journal entries from the past year beginning when I started therapy last January.

2. What type of blogs do you like?
I like all kinds of blogs. I think my favorites are blogs about people with similar issues to myself. It makes me feel less alone to see other people feeling and thinking the things I do. I am also a big fan of funny blogs and am lucky enough to read some hilarious blogs.

3. What do you wish the world understood about PTSD?
That I am not choosing to be this way. I hate it! I can’t just “get over it” or “snap out of it.” If I could choose to stop suffering, I would. We all would.

4. What would you say is the biggest passion in your life?
Reading. I would rather read than eat. Books have made me who I am. If someone wanted to truly know me, all they would need to do is read what I have read. But it might take a really long time to get there.

5. What are you most proud of?
The progress I have made in the past year in therapy. It is so obvious to people that are close to me, and myself. It makes me feel like there will be an end to all this someday.

6. What activity makes you feel the most like yourself?
I guess anything I do when I am not at work. My job is not who I am. My pastimes and passions are.

7. If you could have a dinner party with 10 famous figures dead or alive, who would they be?
Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King, Abraham Lincoln, Gandhi, Albert Einstein, Issac Asmiov, Ray Bradbury, Douglas Adams, Stephen King, and John Snow. I don’t know what we would talk about but it would be very interesting.

8. If you could choose a different profession for this life what would it be?
My life isn’t over yet, so I can still choose a different profession. I think being a therapist would be amazing. I would love to help others and see them progress the way I have.

9. Describe your personality in 3 words:
Smart, creative, kind.

10. Name a person who has made a significant impact on your life.
You didn’t specify for good or bad. Many people have made a significant impact on my life. My most recent ex is the person that inspired me to go to therapy. He resisted me going every step of the way, but I knew I had to go if I was ever going to stop the cycle of dating abusive men. And I think he knew I would leave him if I started getting better (which I did). And therapy has made a bigger impact on my life than anything else.

I know there are more things I am supposed to do here with this award. But it is honestly causing me a lot of anxiety. I hope nobody minds if I just leave it at this. Thank you for reading.