I know I have been away for a while. I have been writing a lot. Just not for this blog. I am beginning to feel like this blog is going to be less and less a part of my life. Which is good. So much of what I talked about on here was negative. Now that I am doing better, I feel I am needing it less and less.
But I did want to write about something today. I started thinking yesterday about all the men I have dated. And how important they used to be in my life. And how I don’t even talk to any of them anymore (for good reason).
I knew them very well once. Better than most people did, I think. I knew their preferences.
I remember the way this one liked his coffee. I remember a favorite song. I remember childhood stories. And childhood enemies.
You see, they aren’t just in my mind as the memories I have of them. They aren’t just the time we watched fireworks in the rain. Or once when the car broke down during rush hour traffic and we were so hungry!
They are memories of their memories too.
I wonder if I will always be carrying those memories with me. I don’t mind remembering them. I just want to stop remembering their personal tastes, their memories, their life experiences.
I want to make room in my head for other things that have more relevance in my life now. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to remember.
But I also don’t know how to stop.
And I feel like all those memories I have of them, that seemed so important at one time, are completely insignificant in my life now. Was it all a waste of time?
I don’t know the answer to any of that. I know I will eventually meet someone new. And I will start a new catalogue in my brain for them. It will have folders with their food preferences, music taste, the way they hold a fork, the way they walk.
And eventually, when it ends, I’ll be haunted by those same things for a while. Until I can think of them without pain. Or regret. Which is usually what I feel when I think of exes. Not regret that it’s over, regret that I ever gave them a chance to begin with.
And when I eventually start forgetting someone, where do those memories go? Does my brain clear them out to make room for new? Or do they fade into the background of all those memories that are more important, more relevant to who I am now?
I really don’t know. In a way, I wish I could get rid of all those memories. But in another way, it is nice to look back and remember that not everything with those bad men was bad. We laughed and had fun sometimes too.
No matter how bad someone was, there was always some good in them too.