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The Whys of Love

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I have been thinking about relationships and being single a lot lately. I have been single for over a year. I haven’t had a date in almost a year.

It’s the longest I’ve ever gone without a date. I’ve been asked a few times, but I either wasn’t ready or wasn’t interested. I’m tired of wasting my time on people that want to play games with me.

At this point in my life, I need someone to offer me something better than what I am offering myself alone at home. Or, if not better, at least worth the trouble. And thus far, that hasn’t been happening.

I’ve stopped feeling a need to date someone. I’ve stopped wanting to feel wanted by someone. I’m not bitter or angry or sad about it. I have just been spending a lot of time thinking about relationships.

I know a lot of people that are in various stages of relationships. Just meeting, just getting serious, just moved in, just married, married for years and years. I only know one couple out of all of them that is happy. Just one. And they are a new couple.

I’ve never known a couple that had a relationship I envy. I’ve never seen a couple that made me wish I was in a relationship. I’ve certainly never been in a relationship that has given me something worth missing.

I do believe good relationships exist. I know happy and healthy is a possibility. It just doesn’t appear to be the norm. And I’m no longer willing to settle for less than that.

When I look at all these relationships I know, and I look at my own past relationships, I wonder what it is that makes me even want to be in one. In my own personal experience, they involve nothing but control, manipulation, games and abuse.

So why do I want one?

I don’t need to be with someone. I am happy being alone. I take good care of myself. I treat myself right. I buy me nice things. I take me out to dinner. I love me. I show myself care and concern and respect. I cheer myself up after a bad day. I make myself dinner. I run myself baths. I make me feel safe and calm myself down when I feel overwhelmed.

So why do I want one?

Society tells me that I need to be in a relationship. It tells me that I need to get married and have children. It tells me that I need someone to take care of me when I am sick and old. It tells me another person will make me feel complete and fulfilled.

But I am not having children already. I don’t need to be married (though some part of me would still like to be). I take care of me when I am sick. And I already do feel complete and fulfilled.

So why do I want one?

I am running out of reasons. I’ve stopped understanding why people get into relationships. My own reasons in the past were the wrong reasons and I have no right reasons to replace them with.

I will admit that I sometimes feel lonely. But that loneliness is much less now than it ever has been. There is no lonelier feeling than being with someone that won’t connect with you. Or being with someone that wants to abuse you instead of love you. I would rather feel the occasional loneliness of being alone than the constant loneliness of sharing a life with someone that doesn’t want to share.

And at the end of the day, I will be alone, no matter who I am with. I am alone with my thoughts before I go to sleep at night. And when I die, I will be alone. We all die alone. We all face death alone. And I am not afraid of that.

So why do I want one?

I am honestly starting to wonder if I do. I have spent so much of my life taking it for granted. That I am supposed to meet a man and fall in love. I have never fallen in love. I have never met a man worth loving.

I have taken it for granted that I am supposed to want a relationship. That I am supposed to want love. That I am supposed to be good at emotions by virtue of being a woman. But I’m not. And I’m not sure if I do want those things now.

I have spent so much time and energy in my life thinking about someone else. Thinking about a boyfriend. Thinking about a crush. Thinking about meeting someone. And I don’t know for what purpose. I have nothing to show for all that time and energy and effort.

I think I am afraid if I stop wanting a relationship that it will be like giving up. But in a bad way. Like the universe will never send someone worthwhile to me.

And I would love to have just one good relationship. Just to prove to myself that they can be good. And maybe also to help make up for all the bad ones I’ve been in (even though nothing ever really can). It might be nice to experience, just once. Even if it’s only for a short while.

And, I guess, that’s why I want one. To prove that I can have one. Maybe just to prove to myself that someone not abusive would want to be with me. And that I can have one relationship in my life that is good and worthy of my time and effort.

I guess that is also why I don’t want to give up. I want to know what it feels like to fall in love. Just one time in my life.

It’s sort of like a life experience I want to put in my collection that I haven’t had yet. Once again, in writing this, I figure myself out. Now I know how I feel and why I feel that way. It actually gives me a bit of hope.


2 responses »

  1. Just one. And they are a new couple. <<<< And that's why they're so happy. Give 'em 20 years!

    No, but really, I've been with the same guy for 8 years. He's my BFF- 18 years younger. (Yep!) That might sound weird to some people but an eyebrow is seldom raised when it's the guy who's found a younger woman, eh? It started out with my (very drunk) brother bringing over his long haired 18 year old stoner buddy (fresh from foster homes) over to score a few Klonopin/ nerve pills from me- of which I had plenty back then. (I was prescribed 90 per month. ?!)

    My drunk brother left, and left his stoner buddy at my house. My marriage was long over, and I had already given my x 30 days to relocate, or else be tossed out. So, things were "complicated" when Josh (long haired stoner boy) popped into my life. My brother wandered off out of the scene and left stoner boy with me. He stayed for hours and we talked- shocked at how many things we'd had in common. I Had lost two kids to the system some years prior, and so my whole world had been destroyed. He had lost both parents (his mom had been murdered at 7, and his dad had a heart attack at 14) and so he'd been placed in one foster home after another. So we both had similar experiences but on opposite sides of the fence. The more we talked, the more we became bonded- we were both musicians, both semi-Christians (and by that I mean, we tried hard to "do right by God" but failed miserably) and we were both stoners.

    Who knew that he would still be with me eight years later?! For 3 months we didn't so much as hold hands, and so we truly were friends before we became intimate. Now, we're both college students- no longer stoners (God forbid- ha). I no longer take nerve pills or any other types of pills. We both quit smoking cigarettes together too.

    We took the best parts of each other and discarded the worst. I tell you all of this to say, you never know when or how love will find you! It could be in a traditional Cinderella-type way, or it could be in a "me and Josh" way. No matter what- build up a strong friendship first. When everything else falls apart- that will keep you two bonded.

    • That actually sounds like a romantic story to me. And as long as an old rich person isn’t dating someone 30+ years younger, I don’t think much of age differences. I personally have a thing for older men. All that matters is for someone to love you and treat you right. I don’t think I will ever have that ‘fairy tale’ but your story is much more romantic to me anyway. You guys actually knew each other and bonded before the relationship stuff. That is sweet. Thank you for sharing it. I LOVE hearing how couples met!


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