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Confrontation

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Something happened the other day that I am so proud of. I wanted to share it with you guys.

I’m not sure if anyone remembers but I have struggled with an eating disorder for almost 20 years. I have been trying really hard since my illness to stop being so uptight about what I eat.

As a result, I have gained a lot of weight. A lot. I actually am happier with my body than I have ever been. I would love to be thinner, but I am afraid to try to diet. I do exercise, but not obsessively.

Anyway, none of that is the point. The point is that since my illness and weight gain, my mother has made non-stop comments about my weight and size. It is incredibly hurtful to me and rude.

The final straw was when I called her for mother’s day. I mentioned going to a lunch meeting that I was super excited about. And meeting with the hospital where I had my surgeries. And then I mentioned that I was working out more and was even thinking of running again for a benefit.

And that’s when she proceeded to tell me that it would be great for me to run again as I really needed to lose weight. She has told me in the past that I get fatter and fatter every time she sees me (which is true). And that I would be happier if I weighed 150lbs (which is not true, I was miserable when I weighed 150).

In high school, when I was 100lbs thinner, my pediatrician told my mother and I that I needed to gain 20-50lbs because I was unhealthily underweight. My mother told him no, that I looked good. And the pediatrician told her that we were discussing my health, not my appearance.

The other issue is that I am one size larger than my brother, but every time she sees him she acts like he is one meal away from starving to death.

So, I called her the other day and told her I needed to talk with her. Then I told her off.

I told her that I didn’t appreciate her constantly putting me down. I told her that her rude comments were not helpful. I told her that my doctor, cardiologist, sex partners, and myself did not think I needed to lose weight. So why did she?

I also told her that she was my mother. If she loved me, then she needed to love me at any weight. And that if she didn’t love me, then I didn’t need her in my life.

She claimed that she had no idea she was hurting my feelings. She claimed that she was only trying to help me. She claimed that she thought I was trying to lose weight and she was trying to be encouraging.

But I know she and I have had this conversation in the past.

So I made it extra clear. I told her that I never wanted to hear a word about my weight again. Not if I lost weight. Not if I gained weight. I told her that if I ordered a salad, it would be because I wanted a salad (which I love) and not to lose weight. If I started running it would be because I love running (which I do and always have). If she buys me something that doesn’t fit, it’s because the clothes are not my size, not because I am too big.

It felt amazing. I felt so powerful. And I have decided to cut her out of my life if she doesn’t comply with my request. And I am trying to get my brother to confront her too as he hates her comments on his thinness.

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8 responses »

  1. hellokalykitty

    Yayyyyy !!!!!!! Go you. Seriously. That took a lot of courage and I am so proud of you.

    Reply
  2. Well done, you. I get really uncomfortable with comments and observations about my weight too, from people who are apparently “just concerned”. I could dye my hair green, tattoo a skull on my forehead or even lose a finger and I bet the first thing people will say is still “oh, you’ve gained/lost weight since I last saw you”.
    I have started answering with “and how you have aged!”

    Reply
    • Ha! I am so tempted to tell my mother that she gets older every time I see her when she tells me I get fatter every time she sees me. I hate comments about my appearance at all. Unless we are dating my appearance is not your business.

      Reply
  3. I love this part:

    “it’s because the clothes are not my size, not because I am too big.”

    Stand your ground, no matter what! Your mom sounds like she’s got some growing to do. Good for you. :0)

    Reply
    • Thank you. I think that is a lesson that took a while to learn. Clothes are supposed to fit my body. My body is not supposed to be changed to fit into the clothes. That’s why they come in many different sizes.

      Reply
  4. Brilliant! You’re right, mothers should love their children at any weight. I hope she gets the message and doesn’t make you cut her out of your life!

    Don’t try too hard with your brother. It might be different for him, each relationship is unique and the one he has with your mother is probably different from yours. He might want to avoid the conflict, and whether or not you think that’s a good thing, it’s his choice. He might want to wait and see how your mother reacts after you’ve confronted her to do it himself, so give him time. The fact that you’ve done it might be enough to make her think before she speaks anyway. 🙂

    Reply
    • Thank you. I doubt it will stop her in the future. But you are right. My way of handling things is not his way. It would be nice if all of us united against her body shaming, but I cant expect or demand it of any of the others.

      Reply

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