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I don’t know why I am suddenly feeling so anxious all the time. I never had anxiety issues before. Or maybe I did but didn’t realize it because of all my other issues.

I know it is mostly the PTSD, but lately I have been having mini panic attacks. It feels so stupid to be feeling this way. I am actually ashamed of myself for not being able to handle things.

I look back on all I have been through and I think: I went through all that and now I am afraid to answer my door? Or go grocery shopping at night? Or talk to another human being?

It feels idiotic and paranoid and silly. So silly.

I know I am just being hard on myself. The truth is, I’ve always felt this way. It’s just that now I have resolved so many issues, this is one of the last few left. It seems to stand out.

I am embarrassed to mention it to my therapist. I am afraid she thinks I am making all this up. I am afraid she will think I am just trying to get medication. I am afraid that she thinks I am self diagnosing myself. I don’t want medication. I just want to stop feeling so anxious.

It has been so bad a few times that I can’t sleep all night. Every noise has me jumping. Exaggerated response and all that. I have been sleeping with my baseball bat again.

I’m not sure where it is coming from. Except, that is a lie. I do know.

One year ago this month I was battling my ex in court. Getting a restraining order. It was difficult and scary. The things he said and did…

And I have recently ended a casual relationship with a man. I am worried he will take it poorly. I am worried he will retaliate. I am worried that every relationship I end from now on will be a trigger. I am worried I will never truly know someone or truly trust ever again.

I am so tired of having so many problems. Some days I just want to wallow in self pity and wonder why it all happened to me. But that is pretty useless. It doesn’t help me. And it never makes me feel better.


7 responses »

  1. Unless he took nudie pics of you, I wouldn’t worry too much…heheh. (Bad joke. Sorry.) Really though, if your at the end of a broken relationship, it’s natural to be highly anxious. If you weren’t having to battle specific emotional issues right now- THAT would be abnormal. But what you’re experiencing is completely normal, given the circumstances. Maybe that can help you just a bit, to know that you’re on the right track at least. It won’t last forever, you know? If you were in a car accident, or had just had brain surgery- you would be expected to have a higher level of stress and anxiety. This is no different. Cut yourself some slack. ;0) Divorce and “parting ways in a relationship” is listed among the highest reasons for anxiety to be in a person’s life. It’s right up there with a death in the family. In time, your anxiety will decrease.

    I hope you do feel better soon. You’ve been through a lot! Things can only be sucky for a little while. Then they get better. xo

  2. I sympathise. But I think that you’re afraid to open your door *because* of everything you’ve been through, not in spite of it. I know you’ve done so much work on yourself, you feel tired, you just want it to be done and be able to reap the benefits of all that work, live a normal life. So it’s easy to think of this as a setback, as yet another step backwards. But it’s not. You’re having the panic attacks now because having done all that other work, you can now afford to be vunerable enough and deal with this next issue. Think of them as a queue of things you have to deal with, you’ve been repressing them for years in order to survive, so you don’t know how long the queue is. But every time you deal with one issue, you’re stepping forward, and these panic attacks are an opportunity for you to deal with this fear you have of your ex coming back to torment you, like the other guy did.

    Your therapist knows you, she knows what you’ve been through. She won’t be surprised when you tell her this. If it’s too difficult, just print out your blog post and give it to her, she’ll understand. You don’t have to take meds, nobody can force you, so if you say you don’t want to, she’ll help you deal with them in another way. When I had panic attacks, my boyfriend (who’d also had them) taught me to breathe deeply and slowly to control them. It sounds impossible when you’re in the middle of one, you have to try really hard, put your hand over your nose and mouth or breathe through the fabric of a scarf if necessary, but it can be done. Talk to your therapist, and have confidence in yourself that after all you’ve been through, you certainly can deal with this. 🙂

  3. hellokalykitty

    All I can do is echo what the previous commenters have said. Talk to your therapist. She knows you. She isn’t going to doubt you, she is there to listen and help. *hugs*


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