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Monthly Archives: May 2014

Confrontation

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Something happened the other day that I am so proud of. I wanted to share it with you guys.

I’m not sure if anyone remembers but I have struggled with an eating disorder for almost 20 years. I have been trying really hard since my illness to stop being so uptight about what I eat.

As a result, I have gained a lot of weight. A lot. I actually am happier with my body than I have ever been. I would love to be thinner, but I am afraid to try to diet. I do exercise, but not obsessively.

Anyway, none of that is the point. The point is that since my illness and weight gain, my mother has made non-stop comments about my weight and size. It is incredibly hurtful to me and rude.

The final straw was when I called her for mother’s day. I mentioned going to a lunch meeting that I was super excited about. And meeting with the hospital where I had my surgeries. And then I mentioned that I was working out more and was even thinking of running again for a benefit.

And that’s when she proceeded to tell me that it would be great for me to run again as I really needed to lose weight. She has told me in the past that I get fatter and fatter every time she sees me (which is true). And that I would be happier if I weighed 150lbs (which is not true, I was miserable when I weighed 150).

In high school, when I was 100lbs thinner, my pediatrician told my mother and I that I needed to gain 20-50lbs because I was unhealthily underweight. My mother told him no, that I looked good. And the pediatrician told her that we were discussing my health, not my appearance.

The other issue is that I am one size larger than my brother, but every time she sees him she acts like he is one meal away from starving to death.

So, I called her the other day and told her I needed to talk with her. Then I told her off.

I told her that I didn’t appreciate her constantly putting me down. I told her that her rude comments were not helpful. I told her that my doctor, cardiologist, sex partners, and myself did not think I needed to lose weight. So why did she?

I also told her that she was my mother. If she loved me, then she needed to love me at any weight. And that if she didn’t love me, then I didn’t need her in my life.

She claimed that she had no idea she was hurting my feelings. She claimed that she was only trying to help me. She claimed that she thought I was trying to lose weight and she was trying to be encouraging.

But I know she and I have had this conversation in the past.

So I made it extra clear. I told her that I never wanted to hear a word about my weight again. Not if I lost weight. Not if I gained weight. I told her that if I ordered a salad, it would be because I wanted a salad (which I love) and not to lose weight. If I started running it would be because I love running (which I do and always have). If she buys me something that doesn’t fit, it’s because the clothes are not my size, not because I am too big.

It felt amazing. I felt so powerful. And I have decided to cut her out of my life if she doesn’t comply with my request. And I am trying to get my brother to confront her too as he hates her comments on his thinness.

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Clenched Fists

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I think anyone that knew me would be shocked to know how angry I am. All the time. I can feel it inside me.

I don’t even know what to do with it. I feel like it is compressed into this tight ball of pure, raw emotion. It’s boiling inside me.

I don’t act angry. I don’t seem angry. I am kind. I try to be thoughtful and considerate.

I like to think I keep it tightly wrapped up. It is usually under control. It is just another part of my personality that I hide. But lately it is feeling dangerous. Like I am walking around with an unstable nuclear reactor in me. I don’t want to lose control of it.

I am afraid I am going to hurt someone. I am afraid of my angry desires sometimes. My punching bag used to help. And yoga. And meditation. But hitting things has lost it’s appeal.

The thing about anger and nuclear reactors is that they are hard to control. And being out of control is the scariest thing ever to me.

So, ideally I need to stop being angry. I WANT to stop being angry. It’s exhausting. But I also don’t know how to let it go.

My fist has been clenched so tightly for so long. My whole life really. Holding on to that anger feels like I am holding on to my entire life. I literally do not know how to let it go. I can’t figure out how to unclench my fist.

I have been talking to my therapist about it. She says the key to working through it is finding out where it stems from. Finding out what emotions are behind it. Generally fear and sadness. And I so get that.

I know why I am mad, sad, and afraid. The injustice of my life has made me feel that way. And I know that.

But I am also weirdly afraid to go down that road. I am afraid to really examine the injustices of my life. So the real issue is, am I afraid of the examination process (which is unusual for me)? Or am I afraid of losing my anger?

In one way, I don’t know why I would be. I hate it! I am actually angry about how angry I am.

But in another way, I get it. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t angry. Sometimes, I am afraid of who I will be at the end of all this.

I know these changes are good and healthy. But trying to figure out who I am is so scary sometimes. Knowing who I am, even the bad things I don’t like, is at least a known entity.

What if my anger is what fuels my passion? My strength? My fierceness? What if without it I become some wishy-washy pushover? What if I stop liking who I become? That’s a scary, intolerable thought.

What if I do all this hard painful work and the anger is still there? What if I try and fail? What if my anger is such a facet of myself at my very core that I wind up not letting it go? What if I suffer and work for nothing?

Those things are all possibilities. And that’s a lot of fear to be carrying around in one clenched fist. But, in the other hand, I hold hope. Hope of having a life without a nuclear reactor core of anger inside me. Hope of not having to keep tolerating this intolerable anger.

And just writing about this thing that I have been so afraid to talk about has made me feel a little better.

Anxiety

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I don’t know why I am suddenly feeling so anxious all the time. I never had anxiety issues before. Or maybe I did but didn’t realize it because of all my other issues.

I know it is mostly the PTSD, but lately I have been having mini panic attacks. It feels so stupid to be feeling this way. I am actually ashamed of myself for not being able to handle things.

I look back on all I have been through and I think: I went through all that and now I am afraid to answer my door? Or go grocery shopping at night? Or talk to another human being?

It feels idiotic and paranoid and silly. So silly.

I know I am just being hard on myself. The truth is, I’ve always felt this way. It’s just that now I have resolved so many issues, this is one of the last few left. It seems to stand out.

I am embarrassed to mention it to my therapist. I am afraid she thinks I am making all this up. I am afraid she will think I am just trying to get medication. I am afraid that she thinks I am self diagnosing myself. I don’t want medication. I just want to stop feeling so anxious.

It has been so bad a few times that I can’t sleep all night. Every noise has me jumping. Exaggerated response and all that. I have been sleeping with my baseball bat again.

I’m not sure where it is coming from. Except, that is a lie. I do know.

One year ago this month I was battling my ex in court. Getting a restraining order. It was difficult and scary. The things he said and did…

And I have recently ended a casual relationship with a man. I am worried he will take it poorly. I am worried he will retaliate. I am worried that every relationship I end from now on will be a trigger. I am worried I will never truly know someone or truly trust ever again.

I am so tired of having so many problems. Some days I just want to wallow in self pity and wonder why it all happened to me. But that is pretty useless. It doesn’t help me. And it never makes me feel better.

Another Liebster!

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Hello everyone! I know I have been taking a break from blogging on this blog. I have been feeling/doing really well. That’s actually why I have been staying away. This blog is very difficult for me to work on most of the time. I know it is important and necessary to grow, but I just needed a break. To be fair, I have also been taking a break because I know some of the issues I need to start on are going to be very tough and I am avoiding them a little bit. Sorry about that.

However, apparently me staying away has worked out in my favor as I was nominated for a second Liebster Award by Disordered Self. Please take the time to read her blog. Being nominated pretty much saved me from having to write anything too serious. So thank you! I really do appreciate it. I still can’t believe I actually have readers sometimes.

So, here are her questions and my answers:

1. What did you want to be when you grew up?

I wanted to be a writer. Alone on an island with a dog. I didn’t really expect to grow up so thinking about the future was never my strong suit. I’d still like all that. Maybe a relationship too, though.

2. What non-family member had the biggest impact on your life and why?

I don’t know if I have to use someone I actually know… There were many many amazing writers that made me realize I wanted to do what they did. I wanted to affect someone’s life the way they affected mine.

But maybe as far as someone I actually know. This is very hard for me as I want to use a positive factor. I had a boss at my job a few years ago. She really took me under her wing. She taught me about leadership and helped me see the direction I wanted my career to go. She gave me books to read and advice, even fashion advice (which I desperately need!) She made me stop drifting from position to position and really think about what I wanted for myself. And she made me believe I could attain it. She was amazing and beautiful and I appreciate her so much.

3. Do you believe there is life after death?

Wow, these are some tough questions! I don’t know. I have written about it before. I don’t believe in Heaven/Hell. I do believe our energy goes somewhere. I actually like not knowing. I wrote in this post that I feel like it is the final and ultimate adventure. I’m in no rush to know, but I am interested in finding out. I am also a bit obsessed with the occult, and there are all sorts of interesting theories there.

4. What is your creative outlet?

I have many. But I find writing to be the most rewarding. And I do a lot of writing.

5. Do you still watch cartoons?

Hell yes! Many of my favorite shows are cartoons. I’ll never be too old for cartoons.

6. What was your first pet?

A cat. I prefer dogs, but I have never thought it was fair to keep one in an apartment. Especially with how busy I always am. Someday, when I have my island, though…

7. If you could learn a new language; which would you choose and why?

I am already decent at Spanish and I know lots of curse words in French and German. I really want to be fluent in sign language. I actually think everyone should learn it and it could be an international language.

8. Do you have a sport?

I used to be an avid runner before I got sick. I’m thinking of taking it up again. I also used to box, but I don’t want hit people anymore. I do yoga and lift weights now (I am not sure if any of these count).

9. If you could change one thing about your past, what would it be?

I would probably change almost everything about my past. I try to not regret it, because it has made me who I am. But there are many many things I wish had been different.

10. If you had one day to do things for yourself and money was no object, how would you spend it?

24 hours? I would love to go to Europe. But more realistically, I would spend 24 hours online buying everything! Especially from Etsy. I could easily spend a million dollars on that site. I know I am boring.

11. What is your absolute favorite book?

This is actually too hard for me. I have so many. But I’ll say this. There are two books, relevant to my blog, that had a major impact on my life and I read them every year now.

Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft

The Gift of Fear By Gavin DeBecker

I believe they should be required reading for every woman. That’s how important they were to me.

Well, I hope all of you liked reading about me. If not, I’ll be posting again very soon. Time to knuckle down and face some hard stuff.