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Forget

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It’s weird the sort of short term memory loss that seems to come in an abusive relationship. When things are good with him it can be hard to remember how bad they were. It’s hard to believe the man I am with now is the same person that was abusive to me.

It doesn’t help that this is part of his plan. He tells me it was a mistake. Just an accident. A one time thing. He got carried away. Because he was mad. Because I made him mad.

It’s so easy to believe it will never happen again. It is easy to forget. Because I want to forget.

I don’t want to dwell on negative things. I want to believe him. I want the past to stay in the past. I don’t want him to think I’ll hold a grudge forever. Besides, he said he was sorry.

Or did he? He said he was sorry IF he hurt me. When he know damn well he did. And that type of apology really isn’t the same thing. He says “Why can’t you just get over it? Why can’t you ever let things go? It’s over and in the past.”

And technically it IS in the past. Even if it happened 10 minutes ago. That’s the past. Maybe I should just get over it.

Except it’s never the last time. In fact, it seems like he gets progressively worse. But that makes me cling even more tightly to the times he acts sweet and caring. And it’s not like I want to cause problems with him when he is being nice by bringing up something that will upset him. That will only start a fight. A fight which he will then blame on me.

And I want to believe him. He says he loves me and I want to believe he does. I don’t want to have to end things. I don’t want to admit I was wrong. Again.

But I am wrong again. And eventually I can’t keep choosing to forget. I have to remember. I have to keep catalog of everything he does. I have to stop forgetting. Because that is the only way to get the strength to leave.

But, once I leave, there is an more insidious type of forgetting. The forgetting once the relationship is over. My mind starts to forget why I left. It starts to remember only the good things. I start looking through old pictures where we are smiling and look happy.

I know we weren’t happy. I remember that picture. But there were plenty of times where we were happy. There were plenty of good times.

Every month that I am alone gets harder. I know he’d take me back. And I wonder if I will ever find someone that loves me. I wonder if I will ever believe I deserve to find someone that loves me.

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4 responses »

  1. Man this was a hard one to read. It’s very close to home. I’m betting I speak for most (if not all) women. It happens waaaay more than we like to admit. A screaming session. A shove. A slap. More screams. Something breaks or is punched- a wall- a dish. More screams. Much crying. Then the repair begins. Such sweet sadistic repair!

    And then it happens again.

    And again.

    (Aaaaaaaaand……..)

    Well, I’ll tell you, I lived that nightmare more than once. And, with my current guy too. It was so black and ugly for us: we gave up. Anger and hate is all we had left at the end. We split up over the winter. 3 months apart. He moved back in. Something wonderful happened. He got a frikking job! And now that he’s pulling his weight- we rarely even disagree. It’s made all the difference in the world.

    When people fight to the point of utter destruction, and that’s always the end result- it’s usually because there’s a good bit of resentment, you know? Unless those stressors that are causing the resentment are identified and changed/replaced/repaired, it’s a rat in a wheel. It will always be predictable, unfortunately. I do feel for you! Been there a million times. I say, keep your distance for a while. It hurts like hell, sure. But if your man truly loves you, he’ll be hurting too. So let him hurt. Let him feel what he makes you feel for a while. Might even do him some good to see you getting on marvelously without him, even if you have to fake it!

    I did that for three months and my guy finally saw the light.
    If he can’t give you the love you deserve and need- give it to yourself.
    You can do it.

    (Feel free to tell me to shut my pie hole at any time. Ha…)
    xo

    Reply
    • No way! I love your replies. And I hope things work out with you and your guy. My guy and I are well and truly over. It’s been over a year and I wound up having to get a restraining order. There’s no going back for me. I’d rather be alone forever than be in another abusive relationship. Though I hope it doesn’t come to that.

      Reply
  2. You *do* deserve better. I’ve never been in an abusive relationship, though I’ve been in a very neglectful one, in which I was constantly in his shadow. I couldn’t believe it when I found someone who loved me for me, and not as a support system for himself. I still can’t believe it nearly two years in. I’m terrified something might happen to him, that I might lose him. You have to work on the idea that you deserve happiness, or you’ll destroy every happy relationship you have. Good luck.

    Reply

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