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Depression

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I don’t know if anyone has noticed that I haven’t been around as much lately. I have been extremely depressed. I know everyone’s depression is different. We all experience it differently.

Mine has been so bad. And when I am in the middle of a depressive spell, I can’t tell anyone. I don’t even recognize it as depression. I think that I am just awful and miserable because my life is terrible and I have no friends. I think I just suddenly hate my job and myself. I think that everyone would be better off if I wasn’t around.

I have had a really bad two weeks. I keep thinking that this blog is pointless and that my life is pointless. And that I really shouldn’t even be alive anymore. I don’t want to kill myself, but if I could just stop breathing or stop living, I would.

I have been doing so well for so long, I almost forgot what it looked like to be in the middle of a depressive spell. And the forgetting, made it so bad. I couldn’t understand why I was so unhappy.

My life is actually going really well. Which made it even more confusing. Why was I thinking about killing myself when I had finally met someone I liked? Why was I wanting to call out sick and sit at home alone all day? Why wasn’t I writing?

And I haven’t been sleeping. Which makes me feel terrible physically too. I’ve been having horrible anxiety at night. I’ve been sitting awake in my bed with a baseball bat for hours instead of sleeping.

Last night, I kept jumping at every noise. I thought there was someone in my apartment (even though I logically knew there wasn’t). And this next part I feel ashamed to admit. But it’s the truth and this is all anonymous anyway.

I thought someone was whispering in my ear. A man’s voice was saying something. It was rhyming words over and over. They were nonsense sounds. Like ooh, boo, woo, too. That has never happened to me before. It really upset me and freaked me out. I also felt like something was crawling up my back. Like a hand sliding over me. But I was alone. That has also never happened before.

Maybe I was dreaming and just thought it was happening. Sometimes my dreams really like to mess with my mind. But if I wasn’t…

I don’t know what it means. It might sound funny or silly. But it really upset me. Am I having auditory hallucinations? I never have before. What does it means? I don’t know.

There is no need for anyone to worry at this point. The very fact that I can write about it is proof that I am feeling better. And I’ll be back to my cheerful self in no time.

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15 responses »

  1. it’s awful that depression knocks out the things we used to enjoy. I too am having trouble with writing on my blog, wondering what the point of it is. But I write anyway, even if it is just the events of my day. Sometimes when I write, things come out in the third or forth paragraph that will have some meaning.
    I don’t know if you have auditory hallucinations, but talking to your therapist might help you be able to sort it out, if you see one. I don’t know how bad your depressions get. I see my therapist twice a week and it helps me.

    Reply
    • I had been doing so much better. I went from seeing her every week to every other week to once a month. Calling to see her now feels like failure. I keep wanting to hold out and just wait till my next appointment. I do write every day, just not for this blog. But everything I have been writing has been wrong to me. I am going to tell my therapist about it when I see her. I think I have almost convinced myself that I was dreaming. But it was a spooky dream.

      Reply
  2. I’ll give you my two cents; not that you’re asking! 😉

    This part: “I don’t want to kill myself, but if I could just stop breathing or stop living, I would.”

    Sometimes we’re already dead- just existing, you know? I think when fear consumes us, we’re dead already. I say that because I used to be agoraphobic. For 10 years or so? Blankets over my windows- didn’t answer the phone. I would watch people knocking (friends, family, etc.) and then watch them give up and walk away. I would linger at the window, watching nothing at all but knowing I couldn’t have answered it if I’d wanted to. I don’t share this with a lot of people, but two of my kids were taken from me 20 years ago: they never came home. (They were 3 years old and 8 months old: both girls.) I went from hearing laughter in the halls and toys scattered about, to echoes of their laughter, ringing in my head. I was alone for years as I fought relentlessly to bring them home- for the next decade- to no avail. I went mad. Snapped like a rubber band. I would recover, then tolerated several more years of unspeakable abuse by our system- then snap again. Each time, I was put on a round of new meds- it was all very brutal. Talk about feeling alone…

    Yeah. I’ve seen the ugly side of hell, to be sure. I do understand what it’s like to go mad and experience all sorts of scary things. To me, it sounds like you’re being hit with a bit of sleep deprivation and maybe some hormonal imbalances. I say that because a lot of our seemingly “psychological issues” are very much biological issues, that also share symptoms with unpleasant psychological ones.

    Also, if your serotonin levels are low- BAM. Instant depression. You probably know that already though. When we lose out on sleep, our serotonin levels plummet, which almost always result in heightened depressive symptoms. Depression is a tough one, it really is, because sometimes we can feel SO depressed and it can be a biological process instead- it can make things really hard to figure out. If you can get your sleep back on track, it would make things much easier to rule out other things.

    Lack of sleep alone can cause our neurotransmitters to misfire, and have trouble getting across their synapses. When that happens, the message that one neurotransmitter carries to the other (across its “synapse bridge”) can get stuck and kind of bounce back and forth, like a brain stutter. It’s a bit OCD-ish, but that doesn’t exactly mean it IS OCD. Again, sometimes things do mimic other things. Taking fish oil and evening primrose oil is a fantastic cure for that, however; the essential oils help keep those neurotransmitters well oiled. ;0)

    I know this is terribly long, and for that I apologize, but before you sign off on being “depressed”, take an inventory of your diet, sleep, and exercise. If those 3 areas are up to par and on track, you probably do have a bit of depression going on, but if even one of those areas is off, you may not be depressed, but chemically lacking.

    I do hope you start feeling better. For what it’s worth, I’ve been through an awful lot in life and I know what it’s like to feel so alone. Things WILL get better, and your life, your thoughts, your ideas, and your BEING make a difference in this world. I appreciate you. :0) xo

    Reply
    • Thank you. I always appreciate your comments. Even when they are so long! I don’t think I have an actual chemical imbalance. My therapist thinks (and I agree) that most of my problems actually stem from having severe complex PTSD. But then, I just realized that I have never actually talked about my diagnosis before.

      I appreciate you sharing so much with me. Just when I think I could not admire you more.

      I do not accept my emotional and mental issues as a permanent stage of my life. I am going to work through them and get rid of them. And no matter how “depressed” or suicidal I get, I am determined to stay alive. My emotions don’t get to control my life. In fact, sometimes, not even my brain gets to control my life. Because there is always something at the core of me that wants to push through it and come out the other side. Sometimes I just have a hard time finding it.

      Reply
      • I think you have a concrete strength. We don’t see ourselves as others do, you know? I have an idea that you see yourself fairly, if not too hard on yourself at times, but you have a strong sense of who you are, I think, and “how” you are, based on your feelings.

        And yeah, sometimes I write waaaaaaay too much, but it’s because I’m passionate about these things. PTSD is something that I used to live with continually. (And did I mention I was molested as a child? Riiiiight.) I’ve had so many angles as to why I was so traumatized in life. Offing myself was never an option because I have a healthy fear of hell, and didn’t want to go there (any more than I had to). Nowadays, I’ve altered my belief system ever so slightly: I don’t think God just “sends people to hell” who kill themselves. I think He’s a God of compassion and especially understanding. If anybody understands people’s suffering, He surely does, so, I’m not so critical in that area.

        I’ll share this with you. About 10 years ago, I was lying on my couch- soooooo depressed. That black pit of nothingness had eaten its way through me and anything- ANYTHING- would have been better than being consumed by “the nothingness”. For so many months (years, really) I had been so depressed and I was just so frikking tired of being so frikking tired. I remember the day well. I was looking at my TV, watching the pictures move and little more, and a strength rose up in me. I can’t say it wasn’t anger. And I said to myself, “I will not be depressed any more. I just will not be.” And I got up from the couch, and went about my day, putting into practice “mind over matter”- as goofy as it sounds- it worked. (Much liked your visual imagery. :0) I believed it would work and it did. Those were the last days of my clinical depression. Since then, I’ve been down here and there- really down, but only sporadically. I uninvited the depression to be a part of my life. There was just simply no more room for it and I made it go away.

        I think we share a lot of things (and symptomatic behaviors) in common. I hope to encourage you: I think you’re inspiring and a terrific writer too: I enjoy your blog very much. You never know who will pull up your posts based on keyword searches, and you never know just who you might touch- here or there. So, on that note, thanks for continually baring your soul as you do; that’s not an easy thing to do. Hope your night is a good one. :0)

      • Thank you so much. I honestly enjoy getting even a one word response. So when you leave me a long commentary it thrills me.

        I appreciate your encouragement and sharing. I do tend to agree, up to a point, in the ‘mind over matter.’ I do not have a chemical issue. Therefore, I think it is a bit easier for me to maintain my attitude and mood. But you’re right when you say that lack of sleep has a serious negative effect on my abilities to do that. It turns out I was sick. Physically.

        I am on antibiotics and have gotten a lot of sleep over the past few days. I feel much better both emotionally and physically.

        Thank you for your encouragement. Sometimes I doubt that anything I write is meaningful to anyone but myself. But the fact that it helps me is enough for me to continue. Your blog also inspires me. I get so many ideas for my posts from reading what everyone else has written. Thank you again.

      • Hey, so glad to know you’re feeling a bit better. :0) I want you to know that by “chemical imbalance” I didn’t mean it in the traditional sense of the phrase. Many people compare it to a mental illness of some sort, but we all have chemical imbalances throughout our lives, changing in severity according to the amount of sleep, sunlight, sugars, (etc.- the list is long) we take in. A lack of sleep offsets our natural chemicals- as does not enough protein, or too much of “this” or “that”. Our lives are filled with multiple chemical and hormonal imbalances, almost always. I was thinking that the lack of sleep was causing your natural biorhythms (etc.) to be imbalanced during that time (only).

        So glad to know you’re feeling better though. :0) And hey, I appreciate your comments on my posts as well! You’re always thoughtful, and I appreciate that. ;0) Hope your day is a good one! Happy Easter. xo

  3. Being sleep deprived does really weird things to the brain and would account for what you heard. I feel things creepy over my body quite often, and that is a combination of very sensitive skin and physical symptoms creating muscle spasms. Talk to your therapist about it, they should be able to help you better. Wishing you rest and more relaxing feelings.

    Reply
    • Thanks. I am glad to hear that someone else has experienced that too. At some point I am going to be so sleep deprived that I just black out and get some restful sleep.

      Reply
  4. hellokalykitty

    There is no failure in admitting what you need. You need to see your therapist. There is no all better switch. It’s a journey and sometimes we need more help than others.

    Reply
    • I know you are right. She was so proud of me the last time I saw her. It just feels like letting her down. I know it is silly. Admitting that I need anything at all feels like failure.

      Reply
      • hellokalykitty

        I completely understand. I feel the same way. When I slip up I feel like I am disappointing my therapist. But she doesn’t feel disappointed. She understands the process better than I do and only wants to point me in the right direction again *hugs*. You can do this. Reaching out for help is still doing the work

      • Thank you. *hugs back*

  5. Been there. It’s the WORST EVER. I sincerely hope things look brighter soon. I read your comments and I’m glad you’re getting support. *HUGS*

    I read this once and it helps me in dark times: no matter how long or how violent the storm….the sun always comes out again. You’re just in the middle of your storm, but the clouds WILL pass.

    Reply

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