Sometimes lately I think my depression is getting worse.But then I look back on my life and my past. And I know it isn’t.
The episodes are starting to happen more frequently. That may be because I am actually allowing myself to feel things now. But now, the depression feels different.
It feels like it is going on behind a pane of glass. I observe it happening, and in the observing I am affected. But in a way, I am not. I see what is going on. I name it. I recognize it.
I never did that before. I couldn’t see what I was feeling while I was feeling it. And naming it does take away it’s power for me. After so many years of feeling broken and defective. I’m glad I can recognize it and react to my thoughts.
I feel like my depression has become self aware. It knows it’s time is growing short. And that’s why it’s trying so hard. It’s in it’s death throes, grasping desperately to claim a hold over me again.
I’m starting to liken it to a penny in one of those coin vortex wishing wells. I love those things. And I love the noise they make. I’d have one in my house. But that is besides the point.
The coin starts out going relatively slowly. As it makes smaller and smaller circles it speeds up and gets louder and louder. Each revolution gets smaller and smaller until it drops down into the pit below.
Only in this scenario, the pit is being free from depression. Which is where I hope I am heading.