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Past Lives

Today, someone asked me what I was like as a child. I had to think about it for a long time before answering. But it really depends on what age we’re discussing.

I did nothing but cry for the first 6 or 7 years. I was unhappy and morose. And suffering from PTSD from many physical, emotional and sexual abuses. Eventually my family punished me for crying enough that I stopped.

I spent the next few years like a wild animal backed into a corner. I had zero control over my emotions. I was angrier than I have ever felt in my entire life. My anger was like a separate being trying to violently claw it’s way out of me. This is when I began punching trees. A lot.

Finally, around 10, I completely shut down all my emotions. I began working out compulsively, reading obsessively. I had an eating disorder and began journaling. I was extremely secretive.

I had severe insomnia and depression. Some weeks I would sleep less than 5 hours the entire week. My life was kind of a fog of blankness. That is really the best way to describe it. It was like being on drugs that took away everything it was possible to feel. But I wasn’t on drugs.

All I ever felt was sadness, despair and anger. And the safest place to direct that anger was on myself. It led to getting into and staying in many abusive relationships; platonic, romantic, and familial. It also was the partial driver for some of the emotional/mental issues I have.

And that’s basically where I stayed until my health problems at 25. Like I was frozen in place. Frozen emotionally. And I was. I only allowed myself to feel the barest tip of what was wrong. Only the strongest, most persistent emotions came through.

It has taken a few years to even realize that things were wrong inside me. And it took a few years to get help. I have been in therapy for just over a year.

I am amazed when I look back on the changes I’ve been through this past year. It actually impresses me. People that have known me very well can hardly believe I am the same person. Neither can I.

I can’t believe the life I was accepting for myself all that time. I can’t believe those past people, those horrible past lives, were all me. I look back on how much I’ve changed this year. And I wonder how unrecognizable I’ll be to myself by this time next year.

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8 responses »

  1. This post is so powering. I can’t believe that everything happened that way but I have been there myself. I have questioned how I could be like that and do all those things. But what we have went through no one would really understand until they are in your shoes. I am so happy that you have found help. I hope to do the same one day. These things are never easy to talk about but when we are doing in the dumps and are practically wasting before our eyes we need to talk to someone. Thank you for sharing, and I am so glad that you are better. You are healing and that is a great thing.

    Reply
  2. You’re so much like my partner. She too was unfortunate enough to have a messed-up family that never listened. When she had a bout of ill health, it was always just crocodile tears and attention seeking in their opinion.

    She even used to do the journal thing too, until her family read them.

    Reply
    • Disrespect of privacy? I’ve been there too. I would get in major trouble for the things they would read in my journals that I hid from them. Humans need basic privacy. Even children. It was like living in some awful dystopian future. Not even my thoughts were safe.

      Reply

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