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Valentine’s Day

TRIGGER WARNING

I’m so afraid to admit this to people. I don’t want to be a total downer for everyone in love and happy today. I hate Valentine’s Day.

All the hearts and cherubs and flowers are an annual reminder that I was raped 8 years ago today. It’s all I can think about for the two weeks leading up to today. And everywhere I look people are talking about love and relationships. And all I can think about is that.

I should not have gone to work today. Everyone kept touching me. I hate being touched, but apparently it’s supposed to be okay today. It isn’t. It’s less okay today for me than any other day.

People keep asking what my plans are for tonight. I don’t know how to ask them to stop. I don’t know how to say these words out loud. It’s bad enough being a normal single person on a day like today. Having everyone asking about your love life.

Emotionally I feel so brittle. I wish it had happened on some random day. Or not at all. I wish I didn’t have an annual reminder. The same day every year. I wish I didn’t associate all these sweet decorations with such a horrible thing. I wish it was some other day instead of the day that is supposed to represent love and romance and relationships.

I wasn’t even going to mention this but I just sat down and it all came flooding out. I rarely post something the same day I write it, but I just want this out of me. And I am bawling as I type this.

But I also know that if I had gone to therapy 8 years ago I would probably be closer to dealing with this than I am today. I know part of the reason it is so hard all these years later is that I never talk about it. Very few people know. I’ve barely even spoken to my therapist about it.

By this time next year I will have worked through these issues. And in a few years I will have found someone that will help me to make new memories on Valentine’s Day. I hope.

I am sorry for the roughness of this post. I literally just wrote this and am afraid if I edit it at all I will lose my courage to post it.

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21 responses »

  1. I’m so very sorry that you were raped, and you don’t have apologize for hurting about it today or ever. It wasn’t your fault. My heart goes out to you.

    Reply
    • Thank you. I know it wasn’t my fault. But it is hard to know that it’s okay to not be over it by now. I have very little patience with myself. I am too hard on myself. I can at least admit that.

      Reply
      • I understand that, totally. It is okay that you’re not over it. I don’t think anyone ever gets over it. We can recover and feel better, but that also has to happen in our own time because dealing with it is so painful. It almost feels like you might die under the pain of it.
        Try not to take up the torch of your abuser and abuse yourself. If you can catch your negative thoughts about yourself and counter act them, even if you can’t believe them right now, it does ease the stress some.

      • This is great advice. Thank you.

  2. Oh wow! Fucking fantastic post. My partner and I barely celebrate the day. We figure, why have one corporately allocated day to sky-rocket chocolate and flower sales when we could live each day like we’re actually in love… independently of bragging rights (look at me, I’m not single on V-day, which is really why most people enjoy receiving flowers publicly). Ordinary couples are retarded.

    Ironically, of all the days in the fucking world, my partner was sexually harassed by a drunk bogan in town during the day when she went shopping, so I can definitely relate to “I hate being touched, but apparently it’s supposed to be okay today. It isn’t.” Fucking a-men.

    Sleazy come-ons up the ante on Valentine’s Day. It really is a shitty day. I can’t begin to imagine just how shitty for you, however.

    Reply
    • Thank you. And I am sorry your partner ever experiences street harassment. I mean, I guess we all do. But it is still awful every time it happens. And I try to avoid people even more than I normally do today.

      Reply
      • The apologies I feel for what happened to you are implied. I feel that you would eventually find the “I’m-so-sorry” thing to become repetitive and meaningless.

        Needless to say, what happened to you is monstrous, but I’m sure at the same time, you probably don’t want to drown in anonymous sympathy nor do you want the world to victimize you.

        I tired to keep this in mind with my comment and support you at the same time. I don’t know if I succeeded, but I hope things are better now that this fateful day has passed.

      • I liked your response. I don’t write for sympathy. And I was hesitant to even write about it because I didn’t want some pity party. I really just wanted people to know that not everyone hates this day because they are single or jaded.

  3. I hate this.
    First– never apologize for disliking valentines day. It can be the worst, plus– we are entitled to dislike whatever we want.
    More importantly– I fucking hate that that happened to you and that one person’s sick actions are able to continue to affect you and other women for so long after it has passed. I think you are right that not that long down the road you will be able to make positive memories on Valentines Day.
    Without saying too much, I’ll just add that the same thing happened to me on New Years Eve, several years ago. Every year is just a reminder, until this year. Yes, I still think of it but it’s lessened considerably as I’ve learned to talk about it and have found someone I can be safe with.
    I hope that today was a better day for you.

    Reply
    • I hate that it ever happens at all to anyone. But I hate even more that it happened to you (and me) on a day that is supposed to be about something else. On a holiday that is advertised and celebrated every year. Thank you for coming by and showing support. I’m glad that it is getting better for you. It gives me hope.

      Reply
      • You should definitely have hope. There is always hope. And I say that as someone who spent a good chunk of time at the bottom of a well.

      • I don’t know if you mean that literally, but I wouldn’t be surprised after reading your blog.

      • I read that while someone at a restaurant was talking to me and I totally started laughing and ruined the moment. I kind of wish I meant a literal well because then maybe I would be Bruce Wayne but the only well I’ve been down was a dark emotional one, ha.

      • You could also be that creepy girl from The Ring. Not all well stories have happy endings. But I am very glad you are doing better. I actually am too. I am continually shocked by how much better I feel just posting my misery on here.

  4. Do not ever apologize. That’s the first thing I wanted to say. You also don’t have to say sorry for not liking Valentines day. You had a horrible thing happen you are entitled to it. I don’t like Valentine’s day because I love people every other day of my life, I don’t need a holiday. Its hard when people think that you are supposed to love the holidays but we are entitled to whatever we want and have to do. This day you should feel however you feel. I have been there its not easy to act like nothing is wrong when everything is. I hate the person who did this to you. Who made you like this. But they were the disgusting vile person who was wrong. I know its not much but you need to be strong and not let them have control over you. I did it and I regret living my life that way always scared and not living. They are going about their days still without any remorse because their assholes but you need to live. Living can be great we just need to be strong enough to want it.

    Reply
  5. Aww…I’m so sorry that that happened to you- bad enough that it did but on Valentine’s Day? That makes it about a million times worse. I know that holidays, when they’re memorials for tragedies, especially, can seem so cruel. Two of my girls were taken from me many years ago and so Christmas is an awful reminder of that- every year. I understand. You can never wipe away that awful ordeal, but you CAN reprogram your mind to respond differently on that day in the future. What I mean is, do something extraordinary on Valentine’s Day next year. Volunteer at a battered women’s shelter and donate some things to a homeless shelter. Make it “your thing” every year on Valentine’s Day. That was stolen from you. Take it BACK. x

    Reply
    • That is a fantastic idea. I cant’t believe I didn’t think of that. And I am sorry for your loss.

      Reply
      • Well thanks. :0) It was rough for about 13 years! That was a long time ago. I know this method of “reprogramming” works, because it’s what I’ve had to do to make it through numerous tragedies in my life. This way, I’m able to look back and see “good things” where there was only shrapnel before. It does work, and I believe you’ll be able to not only re-hardwire your past, but make wonderful memories for your future. ;0) xo

      • Thank you. I believe that too.

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