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I think another one of the reasons I hate crying so much is that it always feels like a type of emotional manipulation.

It was used a lot in my family as a way to guilt me into something. Or maybe to make me feel bad for having feelings. Especially if my feelings were contrary to someone else’s.

But mostly, it’s been my own tears that have been used against me.

As a young child it was to deny me of my right to have them. In fact, they were used to deny me of my very existence.

And then, as a teenager, my complete lack of emotions and tears were used as proof of the emotional disorder I don’t actually have. The emotional disorder they tried to convince me I had for years. The emotional disorder they told me would keep me from ever having a long lasting or healthy relationships of any kind with anyone.

And, as an adult, when I actually began experiencing emotions again, my tears were used against me by my abusive, manipulative ex’s. Any time I opened up to them, they would throw it back in my face later. Especially during a fight. And especially as a means to prove how horrible and wrong I am.

And now, when I cry, I am terrified it will be used against me. Or that someone will think I am trying to manipulate them. And god forbid I cry at work. Then I am seen as weak and overly emotional


9 responses »

  1. Argh. We should all be free to cry if we feel like it. I hate when I cry at work though, it definitely makes me feel weak.

  2. Your life basically parallels mine. Went through the very same from start to finish. Haven’t cried since I was a kid.

    • I am sorry that you have gone through similar experiences. Being in talk therapy, and sharing these feelings all over the internet have really helped me to deal with my issues. I cannot recommend it enough. I cry pretty regularly now. It’s actually starting to feel less bad to cry.

      • When you say talk therapy, do you mean counseling? Also, thanks for reading my stuff. I was planning to troll through your blog anyway, but now I have even more of a reason. Are you a fairly experienced blogger?

      • By talk therapy I mean; counseling, talking to a friend you can trust, journaling. Sometimes just getting it out of you, or saying it out loud can help in ways that just thinking it can’t. At least for me. I’ve tried all those things and honestly blogging has helped me more than all those combined. This is my first blog and I have only been doing it for a few months. I was writing all this stuff in my journal, but it was losing it’s power to make me feel better. So I thought spreading it out in the world might help. And it has. A lot.

      • But I just finished reading your entire blog and you probably know everything I just said better than I do. Sorry. I feel kind of dumb now.

      • Well I’m also enjoying your blog a lot, so thank you.

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