I hate taking medicine. No matter how sick I am, how dire my health problems. I want to avoid medications as much as I can.
But, in the end, I take it. I have been on so many prescriptions for all my physical problems. Most notably in my heart medications. I was hesitant but not resistant.
And yet, I refuse to take anything for my mental/emotional issues. I know there are legitimate illnesses that can be mitigated with medicine.
I even know people that are on medication for their mental health issues. I feel zero judgement towards them. I am proud of them for seeking and getting the help that they need.
So why am I so unwilling to do the same for myself? Do I think the drugs will make it all real? Because it’s already as real as it can be.
I deal with it all on a daily basis. Do I think I am somehow superior or “winning” something if I deal with it all without pharmaceutical help? Do I just try to downplay my issues to avoid medication?
Or maybe this is just another symptom of me not taking care of myself the way I should. Maybe I am punishing myself or trying to test myself. Maybe I am just trying to prove myself.
I genuinely don’t know. Do other people not recognize their own motives? Or is this a ‘me’ thing?
Ideation 
I don’t either. I spent a good 15 years doing things the traditional way: therapist/psych. doc./meds. It made me about 10 times worse. It’s great for some people! I’m not one of those people. It was only after I stopped taking their “lab experiment regimen” and walked away from it all that I truly got better.
That and 4 years of studying psychology/sociology/substance abuse, etc. in college- that’s helped me more than anything else. I got the inside scoop and have learned what therapists do so I’ve learned how to become my own therapist and doctor along the way. I recommend it to anybody who’s had similar circumstances because 4 years of studying it in school has been more helpful to me than 15 on the receiving end in that sterile, cold office that’s always so painfully quiet. It’s neat because I’ve crossed lines in that area, and am no longer the patient, but rather the observer.
Anyway, I don’t regret spending years in therapy because I’ve applied the experiences clinically to my studies. I take what I can use, even retrospectively, and toss out the rest.
Echoing what I said earlier, I really like your writing style. There’s not a lot of filler here- at all- and I really appreciate that. Meat and potatoes! :0)
Thank you again. These posts are generally taken straight from my journal entries, which really were intended for myself. But blogging them has helped more than the past year of therapy.
And good for you for taking matters into your own hands. I find that very admirable. Plus, now you are equipped to help others (if you choose).
One thing that has helped me manage my symptoms was a workbook on PTSD I got from the library. Even though I meditate and know how helpful that is, I didn’t believe any of those visualization techniques would work for me. They sound hokey and obvious. But I was desperate and decided to go for it. Turns out they really do work!
Thank you for reading and commenting. It means a lot to me.
I am right there with ya. Like, right now I have a headache. Hasn’t even occurred to me to take something. I hate taking medications. The only one I consistently take is birth control because HELLO I wouldn’t wish this on a baby anytime soon 😉
That being said, I think that you probably know what is right for you. I have seen medications absolutely change people’s lives (in regards to treating mental illness) but I also know that some people feel that it is not worth the side effects. If you can cope and function without them, then maybe that’s the best choice for you. I will say that when things were really bad after my breakup with the ex, I got on anxiety medication twice for a month each time. I was having horrible panic attacks in the middle of the night… it was terrifying. There was absolutely no reason I had to live like that, so I went to the doctor. In the end, I worked on myself and my coping and I found ways to be okay without the medication. But it got me through the worst parts. I’ve never really told anyone about that and I don’t know if it’s the least bit helpful but it is what it is.
It is helpful to hear. It makes me feel like I am doing the right thing for instead of being neglectful. I do take medication for physical ailments with no question. But that makes me hesitant to get on something else. And I worry about the side effects of anxiety or depression medications. So far I am handling it. But I have also gotten through what I hope is the worst of it.