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I realized today that I have had an eating disorder for 20 years. Not just that I had one, because I know I will always have disordered thoughts and feelings regarding food. But I was actively suffering from an eating disorder for the past 20 years.

And somehow everyone claims ignorance. Was I so good at hiding it? I don’t think so. People see what they want to see. All my puzzle pieces were on display if anyone had ever cared to piece them together. But I guess they never did.

I’m starting to worry about the long term health effects of being underweight. Of what starvation really did to me. I’m thinking about long term bone damage and osteoporosis. I’m worried I may have damaged my internal organs. My liver is probably already doomed from my heart medication.

I’m worried I’m going to have to stop blaming being cold all the time on the blood thinners I haven’t been on in almost 2 years. I’m worried I’m going to start blaming it on my eating disorders.

It’s probably to blame for some other health issues too. Like my sometimes dangerously low blood pressure. That isn’t completely the fault of my heart problems. I’m even starting to wonder if some of my heart problems were caused by my eating disorder.

I wonder about the long term issues my malnutrition caused on my developing mind and body. I denied myself the nutrients I needed to grow and be healthy for so long. I can’t help but wonder how I would have been had I not done that. Would I have been smarter? Happier? Better adjusted? Taller? (I hope not). But I guess I’ll never know.


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