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Self Harm

I don’t know why, but lately I have been thinking a lot about self harm. Not in the way that I think about suicide. Thinking about suicide is soothing and abstract. It calms me down and feels like doing a brain teaser or a word puzzle.

But my thoughts of self harm are not like that. I’ll just be going about my day and a thought will seem to suddenly pop into my head. With an accompanying image.

For example: I was tweezing my eyebrows the other day. I had my face only a few inches from the mirror and found myself staring into my eye. I had the sudden, violent urge to plunge the tweezers into my own eye. Of course I didn’t. I put the tweezers down and walked away.

Then, yesterday, I was at work, walking with a pair of extremely sharp pointed scissors. As I was walking with them when I got this horrible, gory image of stabbing myself deep in the meaty tissue of my thigh.

These aren’t the only instances. Just the most recent ones. They are quite upsetting to me. I don’t know where they are coming from or why. I don’t know what is wrong with me.

I brought it up to my therapist and she compared it to my suicidal ideation, very dismissively. But I know this is totally different.

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2 responses »

  1. I understand what you mean. I used to self-injure, and it started with images of me throwing myself off buildings, or a really frequent one I still have (thought physically, pretty impossible), crushing my arm beneath my foot and breaking the bone, tearing the skin. They actually really scare me when it happens.

    I’m glad you have a therapist to talk to about this. If I may say: I really hope you don’t act on those impulses. I really wish I never did.

    Good health and best wishes!

    Reply
    • Thank you. I will hopefully never act on any of my destructive desires. As I said, the suicidal ones are easy to think about logically and not do. These images just disturb the hell out of me. But it is weirdly comforting to know that I am not alone. I hope you have also gotten help and are resolving your issues as well.

      Reply

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