I hated my parents for walking around naked. I hated being ridiculed for not wanting to do so myself. I hated hearing my father say negative things about my body at 9 and 10 and on up till I moved out.
I hated not having privacy. Not even in the bathroom. Not even in my journal. I hated being made to feel ashamed of wanting privacy.
I hate feeling so painfully shy that I can’t even speak out loud to people when I am out sometimes. I hate pretending I can’t speak because I feel like I can’t speak, even now sometimes. I hate the way my mother silenced me and talked over me.
I hated being introduced as the responsible one. I don’t want to be the responsible child. But I know I’ll never be anything else in their eyes. I won’t be the pretty one, or the smart one, or the creative one or the successful one. Just responsible.
I hate that they lied to me about having emotional problems. I do have emotional problems. Just not the ones they told me I had for my whole life. I hate that they made me believe my problems were my own fault. I hate that I believed them when they said I’d never have a healthy relationship with anyone.
I hate that they punished me for crying. I hate that they used to play a game where they pretended I was invisible whenever I cried.
I hated being invisible.
That is so wrong and fucked up. I have a voice, I exist, I’m allowed to have emotions. Even negative ones. I’m allowed to cry. Crying does not make me a bad person. Nobody should ever be punished for crying. Not by anyone. And certainly not me, as a child, by my parents.
I’m allowed to be overwhelmed and be imperfect. I’m allowed to need help.
But I still hate crying so much. I hate crying in front of people. It makes me feel weak and ugly and unlovable.
And I hate that my parents took my ability to cry away from me for so many years. Especially when an outlet like that might have helped.
I hated myself for caring about them. Even while they were doing all of this to me.
I hate that I have spent the last 20 years feeling nothing. Unable to cry.
I hate how long it has taken me to get help and start getting things figured out.