RSS Feed

Hate

I hated my parents for walking around naked. I hated being ridiculed for not wanting to do so myself. I hated hearing my father say negative things about my body at 9 and 10 and on up till I moved out.

I hated not having privacy. Not even in the bathroom. Not even in my journal. I hated being made to feel ashamed of wanting privacy.

I hate feeling so painfully shy that I can’t even speak out loud to people when I am out sometimes. I hate pretending I can’t speak because I feel like I can’t speak, even now sometimes. I hate the way my mother silenced me and talked over me.

I hated being introduced as the responsible one. I don’t want to be the responsible child. But I know I’ll never be anything else in their eyes. I won’t be the pretty one, or the smart one, or the creative one or the successful one. Just responsible.

I hate that they lied to me about having emotional problems. I do have emotional problems. Just not the ones they told me I had for my whole life. I hate that they made me believe my problems were my own fault. I hate that I believed them when they said I’d never have a healthy relationship with anyone.

I hate that they punished me for crying. I hate that they used to play a game where they pretended I was invisible whenever I cried.

I hated being invisible.

That is so wrong and fucked up. I have a voice, I exist, I’m allowed to have emotions. Even negative ones. I’m allowed to cry. Crying does not make me a bad person. Nobody should ever be punished for crying. Not by anyone. And certainly not me, as a child, by my parents.

I’m allowed to be overwhelmed and be imperfect. I’m allowed to need help.

But I still hate crying so much. I hate crying in front of people. It makes me feel weak and ugly and unlovable.

And I hate that my parents took my ability to cry away from me for so many years. Especially when an outlet like that might have helped.

I hated myself for caring about them. Even while they were doing all of this to me.

I hate that I have spent the last 20 years feeling nothing. Unable to cry.

I hate how long it has taken me to get help and start getting things figured out.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: