I want to talk about trust. Both in myself and with others. I know it is a big issue for me. And I know it always will be.
I feel like I can’t trust myself. Like, I don’t trust my body to crave the healthy things it needs. And I don’t trust myself to give me the healthy things I need. And in way, I shouldn’t.
I have made such poor choices in the past. But I am trying so hard to do better. And I need to give myself a chance to fuck up or I’ll never trust myself.
I am trying so hard to forgive everyone else in my life. I should be trying to forgive myself.
And it’s the same thing with other people. If they never have the opportunity to hurt me then I’ll never be able to trust them to not hurt me. I know I have been hurt a lot.
But eventually I’ll have to trust myself to choose a decent person. And I’ll have to trust that person to not try to hurt me. If they do hurt me, I’ll have to believe that it was unintentional and not because they were a bad person.
And I’ll have to forgive them. For real. Because nobody is going to be perfect. They are going to hurt me.
Forgiving people, including myself, is so hard for me. I’m sure it isn’t easy for other people. Or is it? I don’t know.
It’s so hard to believe someone has good intentions. It’s so hard to not equate someone’s bad behavior with the bad behavior of an abusive ex. Just because someone does something that reminds me of an ex; it doesn’t mean they are abusive too.
I have to remind myself of that every day. I just hope I don’t have to do it every day forever.