While talking to a friend I mentioned how good I am at controlling my emotions. He responded that I needed to be careful with that because joy is an emotion too. (I know. He is scarily perceptive.)
I did already know that I was doing that. I am already aware that I haven’t been allowing myself to feel much of anything. Pretty much for my entire life.
It’s why I’ve felt nothing but anger and sadness because those were the two most overwhelming emotions in my life. Emotions are dangerous to have in abusive situations. Especially anger, which is why I think I still have so much of it.
But it’s also why I’ve never loved anyone before. I’ve never allowed myself to feel that emotion. I’m terrified of it. But again, it’s all things I knew.
But yesterday, I realized it may also be why I’ve never felt sexual desire for someone the way I think I should. The way I KNOW I should. And the way I know I am capable of.
The last two people I had sex with was because I actually wanted to. Not just because I was willing to. That makes all the difference. And I never want to go back to the way I was.
In some ways I am afraid to let my emotions out. But I also know I don’t want to keep everything locked inside anymore either.
I want to know how I am feeling when I feel it. I want to feel angry or upset when I am upset. And I want to be able to recognize it when it happens.