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I was thinking about suicide and suicidal ideation earlier today. I was thinking about how much I actually think about suicide. And I was wondering what was honestly stopping me.

I mean, if I want to die so much all the time and I think about it so much, why don’t I just do it? For a second I thought about how much my family would miss me. But then I realized that was total bullshit. My death would genuinely not affect their lives much.

So then I really sat down and thought about what my life was actually worth. Not a whole lot, it turns out. Some people would be sad for a very short time. And then, everyone would just move on with their lives. I don’t have children. My death really wouldn’t affect anyone for life. And even if it did, they’ll be dead in 100 years too. So who cares?

Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t thinking this in some emo “nothing matters and nobody cares about me” kind of way. That’s what happens when everyone dies. It’s ultimately kind of meaningless. My death would be so insignificant, it would barely have an affect on those closest to me.

So then I started wondering why I was even still alive. What is keeping me here? And then I started thinking about the thousands and thousands of things that I experience on a daily basis that I enjoy.

And I realized that I was keeping me here.

Because I totally do not want to die. At all. I just want all my problems to go away. And I know that dying is the only way that will happen.

Being alive means having problems. And I have A LOT of problems. I like to think that’s because I’m more alive than other people. Or maybe I’m more alive because I have more problems.

Maybe I have bad luck. Maybe I am doing this partly to myself because I avoided facing my past and letting all of this go.

But I do get to start choosing how much I allow my past to affect my future. This is not how I want my life to be at 30. This is not how I imagined my life. And I don’t want to realize it at 40. I don’t want to waste another 10 years stuck in the same old patterns and afraid of the same old things. Being the same old me.

I like me, most days. But I want to be better. I want to stop being so scared all the time. I want to stop worrying so much about the end result.

I want to stop obsessing over what everyone else feels and thinks and wants and I want to start obsessing over what I think and feel and want. I want to stop blaming myself for everything. I want to stop being afraid of being rejected, especially physically.

Because all these limitations I have been imposing on myself, they are actually limitations that were at one time imposed on me. By first my parents and then one abusive man after another.

I’m tired of letting all of them win. Because allowing them to continue to dictate my life and how I feel about myself is letting them win. It’s still allowing them to abuse and control me.At this point in my life, I am the only one that can abuse me. I am the only one that can let my past continue to harm me. And I am the only one that can say “No. That’s enough. No more.”

I can’t say I’ll never think about suicide again. But the thought of it seems to have lost whatever appeal it had. At least, for now.


2 responses »

  1. I think that sometimes we have to remove other people from the equation when thinking about the “why” of our lives… and just live it for the sake of being. Like you said, you’re the one who chooses how much to let the past affect your future…
    I have a “Sankofa” tattoo– it’s a West African symbol of a bird that flies forwards while facing backwards… it’s supposed to represent a way of approaching the future… that you keep the past in mind as you move forward, but you only take with you what is good. Sank-ofa literally means “go back and take.” I try to keep that in mind when thinking about my life… I had a little breakdown over the weekend when my sister in law (who has known me since I was a teenager) made an innocent observation from the past… and I just lost myself to all that same old sadness, mourning all those years of just…. nothingness. I would never have believed I could come out of that. And though I can’t believe I basically wasted 10 years of my life on just being miserable and frozen, I choose to view it as only a short span of time in what will (hopefully) be an otherwise long and productive life. I don’t know if that makes sense at all… Basically all of that blabbing was just to say “I agree” that it’s up to you to give your life meaning and direction. Stopping tangent… now.
    I hope you continue to feel positive about things.

  2. I am actually working on a post right now about that numbness. And going through life feeling nothing (also for 10 years). We have a lot in common. And thank you.


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