Sometimes I think I would actually be okay with just being physically abused.
After reading that book about verbal abuse it would seem I have never NOT been in a verbally abusive relationship. Not with anyone I dated for more than a few dates.
I feel like verbal abuse never goes away. I never minded being hit. The physical pain and bruises heal like they never happened. But my emotional wounds still haunt me.
Sometimes I wonder if I would have stayed with those men if they had only been physically abusive without the controlling, manipulative, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and verbal abuse that goes along with it. I think I would have.
It makes me wonder if I’ll ever meet someone that isn’t abusive. And if I do, will he even want to be with me? Will he believe me about my past, my childhood, my life? Will he think less of me, or hold it against me? Will he use it against me the way my ex’s did when I told them anything about anything?
I’m so afraid to open up to people for fear of not being believed.
And this thing with RA is really bothering me. I feel awful for lashing out at him. He didn’t know he was pressing my buttons. It isn’t his fault I’ve never been with someone that I could make reasonable requests to.
I am so used to having my requests ignored. I have to stop assuming that I have to overreact to get myself heard. I have to stop thinking everyone won’t respect me. I have to start learning conflict resolution skills, now.Nobody knows what is going on in my head but me. And they don’t know what my boundaries are if I don’t tell them.