I’ve been thinking a lot about this. I remember when I first started having sex. It was awkward and painful and not very good because I just wanted to not be a virgin anymore.
I had just wanted to get the sex part over with. But I thought that when I was older sex would be amazing, and well, sexy. But it honestly hasn’t gotten any less awkward. It hasn’t gotten much better.
It is only good or okay now. It’s never been amazing. It’s never been sexy. Maybe that’s because I’ve never had sex with someone I was really sexually attracted to. I’ve never waited long enough to have sex with someone.
I’ve always kind of wanted to get the sex part over with. I’ve never had emotional intimacy with someone, which does make it nearly impossible to have sexual intimacy. And, I believe, that has to mean I’ve never genuinely been in love.
How could I have been? I certainly liked these men. I even loved some of them. But neither of us was in love. We didn’t know each other well enough. We didn’t open up enough. That’s my fault too. But I also didn’t feel safe enough to open up. Not ever.
And I was right. I wasn’t safe. These men were bad. They were abusive. But if they weren’t safe then I shouldn’t have stayed. If I couldn’t trust them with emotional intimacy then I couldn’t trust them. And I shouldn’t have dated them. And I certainly shouldn’t have had sex with them.
I need someone that is going to be safe.
And sex has only gotten harder as I’ve gotten older. Now there seems to be more barriers, not less. There is all the baggage of past relationships to contend with. People have children, baby mamas, divorces, child support, infidelity, bitterness, impotence, performance anxiety.
Now I have to worry about STDs and people that are truly good manipulators, sociopaths, game players. Game players that are much more sophisticated now than they were in high school. Men in their 30s that want to behave like they are 18. Even though they are fathers and husbands now with serious obligations.
And the older I get, the harder it is going to be to find someone that doesn’t have crippling emotional baggage. And to find someone that can handle mine. That actually might be the hardest thing of all.
Finding someone that will want to take on my issues with me. Finding someone that will help me to heal. Because there are some issues that will never get better without the help of a patient, safe, mature, loving partner.