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Intimacy

I know it is irrational but I can’t help feeling worried and afraid. What if I am causing all my relationship issues? I saw a bunch of guys from my old office on Saturday. They all seem to be in relationships now. Everyone around me is getting married and having kids. And I am single. Still/again.

I know these guys are not necessarily happy. But I’d like to think that they are. I want to believe they are because it gives me hope for myself.

But I can’t help but wonder why I am single. I’m starting to believe I am attractive, so it can only be my personality. But at the same time, I have been picking awful men. And I need to stop doing that.

I could be with someone right now if I had stayed with JC or AT or AB. They would probably have never broken up with me. So, the first issue is dating a non-abusive man. I feel like that is somehow hard to find since that is all I have ever dated.

I didn’t find any of these men, they all seemed to find me. But my therapist is right when she says that by not choosing who to date, I am choosing to date just anyone. Which is exactly what I have been doing.

I had been saying yes to anyone that asked. If I was single and someone asked me out, I just said yes. I didn’t even feel like I had much of a right to say no. (Hooray for low self-esteem).

I thought I should just take what I was getting otherwise I’d be alone forever. And though I really, really don’t want to be alone (especially not forever), I’d rather be alone and safe than be abused.

I have got to stop dating whoever asks and wait for someone that is going to treat me right. Because I am afraid of what will happen to me if I don’t. I’m afraid that all this abuse and shit is piling up on my soul or something. I’m afraid that if it doesn’t stop I really will be broken.

I’m afraid I’ll wind up settling to satisfy this hunger I am experiencing for intimacy. I’m afraid I’ll get bitter and angry and think all men are abusive bastards. I’m afraid I’ll be one of those shell people that have nothing left of themselves. I’m afraid my PTSD will become who I am instead of just a part of who I am.

And, speaking of intimacy, I am afraid of how badly I want to be touched. I don’t know where it came from. I never recall feeling this way in my past. I think I just need to start having some positive touch experiences.

If it takes nine good experiences to overcome one bad one, I don’t know if I’ll live long enough to ever even break even. I’d need thousands of positive experiences. And I feel like getting that is really crucial to me genuinely healing and getting better.

I can’t do it alone, which is the most frustrating part. I need someone I can really trust to help me with this. I feel like this is some kind of deep, soul need. I don’t know how to explain it. It isn’t just a desire to have sex, though there is that too.

But sex wouldn’t be enough to cover it. I need physical intimacy in a way I never have before. I’ve never experienced much actual physical intimacy before, and I feel like I need to before it’s too late. And that is much harder to come by. I don’t know where to find it or how to get it. Or how to have it.

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