I can’t stop thinking about this concept of being afraid of sex and sexuality. I think I am afraid of it. I mean, I know I am. I am afraid of my desires. I’m afraid of what it means to be intimate. I’m afraid of being made ridiculous by being vulnerable. I’m afraid of my desire being outside myself.
I feel like I am housing this desire inside me. It’s like a dam holding back a flood. Once I let it out I may never get it all back in again. If I even open it up a little, it will all rush out into the world.
And that would be bad somehow. Both for myself and for the world. Or, more realistically, for whomever I let it out for. What if it is a flood that drowns someone? What if my desire overwhelms or scares someone away?
Can I take that much rejection? Once it’s outside myself, will I even be me anymore? Does this flood make up an integral part of my being? But, how much can I ever love someone while keeping it inside myself. How is my body even containing something so big? I feel like the pressure of keeping it in has forced it into this concentrated energy.
Can someone else ever truly know and love me if they don’t know that part of me? What am I afraid of anyway? Being vulnerable? Being ridiculous? Yes. But I also think I’m afraid I’m just not sexy or attractive or good in bed. If I don’t try then it doesn’t matter, I’m not invested.But if I am genuinely trying, if I am making an effort to be sexy, and I fail… Then I am just not sexy. I already don’t think I am. But, outside rejection might be harder to handle. There’s all this pent up sexuality inside me. And I’m afraid to let it out. I’m afraid to be vulnerable. And that makes me bullshit.