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Troubled

Lately I have been thinking it is probably a good thing I am single right now. I feel like my problems keep building up and stacking on top of each other. It’s becoming a LEGO city of troubles and issues and neuroses. And I wouldn’t want to wish that on another person. By which I mean putting up with me.

It’s hard to know if that is just my low self esteem or if it is me being considerate of others. I know I have good qualities. I know I have things going for me. And I know I am a good girlfriend. But it is so hard to not focus on the negative.

Then I see my friends. They are troubled. Some of them in the same ways as myself. And they are in reasonably successful relationships. Someone loves them. They are happy.

I should give someone the chance to love me. There probably is someone out there that would want to be with me. Even knowing my problems. There has to be someone that will accept who I am.

I start thinking that waiting till my problems are resolved before I start dating is like waiting to lose weight before buying new clothes (which I also do). What if I never lose the weight? Should I just wear rags? What if I am never “better”? Should I be alone forever? Don’t I deserve to have love too?

I actually don’t always believe I do. I sometimes think I should just take what I could get, no matter how bad the relationship or how abusive the man. Because I am damaged goods. I’m broken. And that means I don’t get to be happy.

But then, I also know that isn’t true.

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